


Heart of A Grand Duchess

by DanTanner20



Category: Real Person Fiction, Russian Royalty RPF
Genre: 1910s, Alternate Universe - Historical, Drama & Romance, Eventual Happy Ending, F/M, Family Issues, Implied/Referenced Character Death, Molestation, Trauma
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2020-06-07
Updated: 2021-01-24
Packaged: 2021-03-03 22:54:51
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: Rape/Non-Con, Underage
Chapters: 10
Words: 24,064
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/24583378
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/DanTanner20/pseuds/DanTanner20
Summary: Ekaterina Nikolaevna Romanova, the twin sister of Olga, is the black sheep of the Romanov family: willful, romantic, intelligent, and free-thinking. Alienated from her siblings and parents, she yearns for love. She falls in love with her sister’s crush, Pavel Voronov, who also holds affections for her. On one fateful night in 1913, her life changes irrevocably. Now rejected by her family, will she manage to repair the broken shards of her life? (I do not own the Romanovs.)
Comments: 14
Kudos: 7





	1. Introductions

**Author's Note:**

> I decided to write a Romanov alternate historical RPF here after toying with the concept of a fifth Romanov sister. If there are any historical inaccuracies, please tell me so. Anyways, happy reading!

_ August 5, 1913 _

I dreamt of a brown-eyed, dark haired man in uniform. He turned around to look at me, and I gasped. His face seemed so familiar, with that narrow nose of his. He opened his mouth and started to speak, but I woke up. In the middle of the night, I sat up in my bed, thinking about my future and my dream. Mama expected me to be a lady because of my station in Imperial Russian society because I was approaching the age of eighteen.

I, Ekaterina Nikolaevna Romanova, was a Grand Duchess of Russia. I was named in honor of the late Empress, Catherine the Great. As honored I was with that namesake, I could never acquire the throne. According to the Pauline Laws, women such as myself and my four sisters could not do so. The thought both disappointed and frustrated me. No matter my qualities, I was always a mere Grand Duchess. I would only remain an insignificant figure doing petty tasks and looking pretty, nothing more.

To say that I was dissatisfied with my current life would have been a great understatement. I was trapped in a cage, a glittering gold cage nonetheless. To explore the world beside a free spirit like me would be ideal. Perhaps one of those dashing naval officers such as the man I saw in my dream? Oh, how I also yearn for the day that us ladies could choose anyone regardless of station.

Sighing, I laid under the bed covers. The thought of having my dream man kiss and caress me sent a warm feeling throughout me. Out of curiosity, I slipped my right hand under the blankets and between my legs. It brushed my sensitive lower lips. The sensation was fleeting yet pleasurable. A slight gasp escaped my mouth.

The sound disturbed my twin sister, Olga. She stirred underneath her blankets before murmuring the name of her crush.

"Pavel…" she murmured.

I kept still for a moment while I thought about the crush that my twin sister holds for Officer Pavel. He was a recent addition to the staff of our yacht. He seemed polite and playful everytime my sisters and I encountered him. As a nobleman of the House of Voronov, he was a true gentleman at heart. Never once has he treated us rudely. However, if I were more honest with my sisters, I had some unfamiliar feelings for Pavel. Whenever I saw him, I felt myself growing warmer and my heart beating faster. Is that what being in love feels like? Oh, if only Mama told me more about how such a thing worked!

The thought of Pavel made me feel that warm feeling again. My mind betrayed my soul, unleashing thoughts of me being ravished by him. I caressed myself, feeling a small feeling of excitement. I had never touched myself before, and I felt uncertainty, guilt, yet… anticipation? I contemplated whether it is right to do so. My rationale won. For certain, I needed experience in this matter.

I remembered where one of my sensitive areas are, and my hands traveled down to my private areas. Mama told me that when a man loves a woman, he does something to them to pleasure her. I massaged my private nub, sending little shocks of pleasure through my body. The thought of Pavel caressing me only made my yearning even greater. This must be how a man pleases his woman. I increased the pace, rubbing and caressing the now aroused flesh, which moistened by the moment. Soon, the pleasurable feelings sharpened, heightening even more with each massage of my fingers. My heartbeats and breaths quickened.

My tender flesh pulsed with arousal, and the tension in my lower regions began to coil, preparing to burst. My moist inner walls twitched from the stimulation. No, this would not do. I need  _ more _ .

I inserted a finger into my private parts, and I am surprised at how little resistance is within me. I twisted and bent my finger within me, and it brushed against a spot inside me. Pleasure surges through me yet again, and I moaned into my hand. My inner walls embraced my finger with surprising firmness, and I gasped. This must be how a man pleasures his woman. I increased the pace of my finger upon that hidden spot, stoking the flames of my arousal ever further. I bit my lip, struggling to hold back a scream. Something gave way, and I knew that I reached the peak of my pleasure. I covered my mouth with my other hand as I screamed.

“ _ Pasha! _ ” I shouted into my hand, arching my back.

My inner walls massaged my finger tightly, and my back arched while a roaring wave of pleasure washed over me. My body trembled under the bed covers. My mind went empty. Nothing seemed to matter in those brief moments of bliss.

Satisfied, I collapsed back into my camp cot, letting out a sigh while I pulled out my soaked finger. Now tiredness takes the place of bliss, and my eyelids finally close over my light blue eyes. The last thought I have before sleep overtakes me is a hope that my family will live in peace.

(Line Break)

“ _ Katya, Katya! _ ” Olga repeated, shaking me on the shoulder.

The movements roused me from my slumber, and I murmured, “Hmm… what?”

“Breakfast will be ready soon, so you should get up.”

“Alright,” I murmur, rubbing my eyes.

Satisfied, my twin sister left me alone, returning to her wardrobe to choose her dress. I sat up in my camp bed, and I yawned, stretching my arms. I untangled myself from the blankets, and I stepped to my wardrobe. I opened it and spotted my favorite dress: a present given to me for my sixteenth birthday. It is a beautiful thing, a crimson red dress with a long, narrow skirt and sleeves trimmed with white lace. As much as I want to wear it, I knew that it was a ball dress rather than a casual dress. With reluctance, I chose my plain white dress before undressing from my nightgown.

I wore my casual dress, a simple yet elegantly made piece of clothing. The sleeves extended just to my elbows, and the fabric was smooth as ice. Dressed in my white royal dress, I almost appeared like one of the Ancient Greek goddesses. Mama often said that I was a beauty with my flowing, dark blonde hair and light blue eyes. Maria was the prettiest, but Olga and I were not far behind. Olga finished changing into her casual dress, and she frowned at me.

“Is something on your mind, Katya?” Olga asked me, scrunching her dark blonde eyebrows together.

“Nothing,” I say.

“I thought I heard you moan and mumble in your sleep last night.”

Feeling a blush warming my cheeks, I turned away, shaking my head. “No, I… slept well.”

My twin sister narrowed her blue eyes at me for a moment, but she sighed. “Alright… I trust that you tell the truth. And, I am famished… we should be eating breakfast now.”

In an instant, we began to make our way to the dining room. We passed various rooms and through multiple corridors before we finally arrived there. The sounds of chatter reached our ears, and I heard Alexei and Nastya laughing, perhaps over a joke. Olya and I entered the room, and we saw our parents waiting for us beside Tatiana, the Little Pair, and Alexei.

“Good morning, Mama, Papa,” I.said, yawning.

“Good morning, all of you,” Olga said.

“And a good morning to you two as well. But, I must remind you that a proper Grand Duchess never yawns while speaking,” Mama said, and Papa nodded in agreement.

“Mama… I did not sleep well last night,” I said.

“My little Katya, what went wrong?” Mama asked, as Olga and I took our seats beside each other.

“I had a strange dream, and I woke up in the middle of the night.”

“I see. I assume it was a nightmare, then.”

“No, Mama. It was just a dream about someone. Yet, I do not recognize him.”

“It must be a sign from God,” Mama said, but Papa shrugged.

“Sunny, we do not know how to interpret dreams, only Father Rasputin can. We should leave that task to him,” Papa spoke.

“Well, I believe with all my heart that Katya has had a vision of her future. Does the Bible not say that men, women, and children will have visions from God in the coming years? There must be a meaning and purpose behind this!” Mama argued back.

“I do not know such a meaning or purpose, my love, but I again suggest… that we consult with Father Rasputin.”

“Then we shall, Nicky.”

“Later, now is the time to enjoy breakfast.”

My sisters and I prayed with Mama and Papa. We kept our hands clasped together, and we opened our minds, hearts, and souls to God. It was a hard process to explain, but however it works, it makes us feel better. Sometimes, I can hear the voice of God. It is quiet like a whisper. This time, I do not hear God’s voice very clearly, and I felt confused as to what his will was. The future of my family seemed so uncertain, and the ignorance I had disturbed me.

“Amen.”

We began eating our breakfast, as the sounds of clinking silverware echoed off the walls of the dining room. I take a bite of my buttered bliny pancakes. I heard whispers from the Little Pair, and I attempted to ignore them.

“Three men walk into a bar,  _ ouch _ ,” Anastasia said, and Alexei laughed.

“Ha!” Alexei laughed with food in his mouth.

“Aleksei, you are the tsarevitch, you should not speak or laugh with food in your mouth,” Mama lectured him.

Alexei pouted with his light blue eyes, and I had to admit to myself that my little brother appeared… adorable. As my little brother was the apple of my parents’ eye, they could not resist his pout. Their hardened expressions softened like putty under the gaze of my little brother, and Papa smiled.

“Do not worry, son. Finish your salad and beef, and you will be done,” he said.

“What about us?” Anastasia asked, glancing at Mama.

“You are a growing young lady, Anastasia. You must finish all of your breakfast, Maria as well,” Mama lectured before sipping her tea.

“ _ Fine _ …” the Little Pair muttered in unison.

We continued to enjoy our breakfast, with the Little Pair telling jokes as always and the rest of us laughing. Little Anastasia always said that she wanted to become a dancer and a prankster, but I believed that she had potential for the role of a comedian. Tatiana, reserved as always, ate her breakfast in silence, but she could not resist smiling. Olga and I laughed at another joke about drunks from Nastya. With her face red from laughing very hard, Maria wheezed. After half an hour, we all finished our meals, which had become lukewarm by then.

Papa cleared his throat, and he spoke. “That is enough, Anastasia. As much as I enjoy your sense of humor, I need you to be quiet. I have something to inform you all, especially my Sunny.”

“Yes, Papa,” Anastasia said.

“Now, I need to tell all of you… that we are going to Livadia in a week.”

“Livadia again?” 

“Yes, my little  _ shvibzik _ . The weather there is warm and mild, it will be good for all of our health.”

“It is good to hear that, at least we can spend some time away from all these troubles about revolutionaries,” Olga said, smiling.

All of us remained silent for a moment, as the significance of her words struck something within us. None of us wanted to admit it, but our dynasty was now unpopular with most of the Russian people. This knowledge only brought worry, and it worsened the moodiness and irritableness of my twin sister. No young woman should have to know that her family is hated by some to the point of death. I wished that we were born common.

Alexei, curious about why we had gone silent, broke the silence. “What is bothering you, Mama, Papa?”

“It is nothing bad, Alyosha, we just have plenty of things such as our duties on our minds,” Mama replied, giving her a warm smile with her blue eyes twinkling.

The reassurances of Mama satisfied my younger brother, who kept silent. I hoped that Mama and Papa were ruling well. The thought of being captured and tortured by revolutionaries made me shiver.


	2. Rasputin

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Before a trip to Livadia, Ekaterina encounters Father Grigori for dream interpretations. But she is ignorant of the darkness that festers within the self-proclaimed holy man...

_ August 9, 1913 _

It was the day before our departure from St. Petersburg. After my morning tutoring sessions with Pierre Gillard, I made my way to the bedroom where Olga, Tatiana, and I slept. As Mama told me, Father Grigori Rasputin would visit me to interpret my dreams. I nervously sit on my camp cot, thinking of the rumors of his sexual promiscuity. I had heard rumors that he had carnal relations with multiple women outside of marriage, making his actions all the more scandalous. The thought brought fear into my being, and I shuddered at the thought of his long fingers touching my body.

I sat on my bed, sometimes checking the clock on my nightstand. The anticipation, or fear, kept me at attention. After a few minutes, Rasputin entered the room dressed in his white robes and wearing a gold necklace. He glanced around himself, and he grinned, exposing his decadent yellow teeth. I was uneasy about his presence. However, regardless of my attempts to persuade Mama, Papa, or my sisters that the monk could not be trusted, they would shun me. Even Olga, my intelligent twin sister, never believed my accusations before. Some say that seeing is believing, but I thought that believing is seeing.

“Dear Ekaterina… I have been chosen by God to help you. Do not worry, I shall find the meaning of your dreams through the power of God. Please, lie down. I will do a prayer,” the monk said.

“Yes, Father Grigori,” I reluctantly said, laying upon my camp cot despite being unsure.

Rasputin grinned even wider, and I noticed that his blue eyes were dilated. I did not know why that time. He stepped closer to me and sat on my camp bed before taking out a vial of rubbing oil. Placing his hands together, he prayed to God for insight to elucidate the meaning within my dreams. Seconds turned into minutes, and anxiety began to build up within me. He ended the prayer, and he looked straight into my light blue eyes with his cold, dark-blue eyes. Under the heat of his gaze, perhaps a lustful one, I felt uncomfortable as he reached for my body. I moved back to the backboard of my camp cot, and I could feel a sinking feeling that something would go astray.

“Do not be afraid, I shall only prepare you for the soul bond needed to get a vision.” Rasputin said.

I made a confused expression. Nowhere in my theology sessions about the Bible mentioned anything about receiving visions outside of divine intervention. For certain, something was astray. I hoped that the mad monk would not take my dignity as the rumors suggested. I hoped that the rumors about Father Grigori were untrue.

Touching my shoulders, he muttered incomprehensible words in Russian, and I felt strange. The hairs on my head had a tingling sensation, and the hairs on my back stood up. Something was wrong. Before I could speak, Rasputin held me down with his hands before sitting on my legs. I widen my eyes in fear. No, I could not envision myself giving up my virginity to a sex-crazed maniac over ten years older than me! I struggle against his hold, attempting to wiggle myself free.

As I scream for help, Rasputin places his hand over my mouth to silence me. He then opens his mouth to speak.

“I will hold you down until you stop resisting,  _ Katya _ ,” Rasputin said.

“ _ Nyet _ ! Mama! Papa!” I hollered, still struggling against his grip.

“Stay still, or I will have to use  _ harsher _ means,” Rasputin growled, as he tightly gripped my neck.

I whimpered, and I stopped my struggles. Rasputin grinned, showing his putrid and yellowed teeth. The sight was revolting. He pulled out bindings from the pockets within his clothing, and he grabbed my legs before binding them. He did the same with my arms, and my tears dripped down my cheeks. Knowing what was to come, I wriggled back against the bedroom wall in fear.

A moment passed, and Rasputin began to fondle my breasts. I hated his unwanted ministrations over my body, but the arousal from his touches coaxed a faint moan out of my mouth. I widened my eyes out of shock from the realization. I had never felt so helpless before. My eyes water with tears, but not from joy or pleasure.

“Enjoying my treatments?”

“You are a vile man, manipulating people and taking advantage of young women! I will never submit to you!”

I felt a burning sensation on my cheek after seeing a quick blur of his hand. He spoke again.

“I am a holy man, and those who resist me defy God. You are a willful, prideful young woman: a stumbling block to your family. It is my job to purify such people, and I will not stop until my duty is done.”

“God must be disgusted with your sins. No holy man would grope a woman.”

Rasputin remained silent for a moment. He laughed, and waves of foul breath assaulted my nose. The odor forces me to wrinkle my face in disgust. How could Mama and Papa even consider allowing this vile man and fraud into our palace?

The man attempted to take off my dress, with his hands groping and clawing at me. I screamed again for help, but Rasputin covered my mouth with one of his large, bony hands. With my cries muffled, I am completely at his mercy. I silently prayed to God that someone would come to help me. The mad monk finally grabs my dress and ripped it in two with sheer strength, exposing my naked flesh to him.

“Let me relieve you of your willful disobedience.”

“ _ Nyet! _ ” I cried, rolling myself over to conceal my nakedness.

I struggled against my restraints, but the effort was hopeless. Rasputin then pulled down his pants and underwear, exposing his anatomy to me. It sprung out, protruding upwards in the air. Hardened and leaking at the tip, he was ready to take what never belonged to him. The sex-crazed maniac began to place his body over mine, and he nibbled on my nipples. Another moan escaped my lips, but I closed them too late. This prompted Rasputin to increase his caresses over my neck, bosom, belly, and my thighs.

Against my will, I felt my private parts moistening. I was more ashamed of myself than ever. My body had been manipulated with little difficulty like the countless women that Rasputin had-

“Katya?” a faint voice called down the hallway.

I screamed again, and I received yet another slap to the face. I heard the footsteps quicken. Soon, the door opened, and I heard a loud gasp. Behind Rasputin, who wore a surprised expression on his face, Olya placed a hand over her mouth.

My sister only stood there with a shocked expression, trembling from either fear or surprise. With desperation, I gazed into the blue eyes of my sister, and she nodded. She understood what was happening to me.

My sister fled from the bedroom, perhaps to fetch the guards. Rasputin put his underwear and pants back on, and he looked at me with another smirk before fleeing the room. Again, my eyes watered, as I realized that I was still restrained. I still felt  _ used _ . The realization that I am still naked and bound on the bed brings tears to my eyes.

Only a short time passed, and I saw my mother and twin sister enter the bedroom alongside two palace guards. Only my sister looked at me with pity. Mama placed a hand over her mouth, seeing my naked figure. The disgust on her face was evident, with her face marred by wrinkles from a grimace. She stepped beside me, and I faced her.

I began speaking, but I was interrupted. “Mama, I-”

“Hush, your sister and I will untie your bindings. I think that you have fought Father Grigori. How despicable, attacking a holy man!”

“What? But, he touched me in an improper manner-”

“Stop your lies! Father Grigori is a trustworthy and good man at heart, he has been healing little Alexei for years and a comforting presence in the palace. I am certain that he has treated you as you deserve. You have been quite unruly recently, with your attitude. Such behavior cannot go without consequence.”

“You do not understand, Mama! I was… used,” I cried, beginning to weep.

“Ekaterina Nicholeavna Romanova, if you do not stop your defiance and lies, you will not have dinner tonight,” Mama scolded, looking into my eyes with her cold blue eyes.

I turn away from my mother, she is of no help to me now. I continued to weep, and I felt a hand on my shoulder. It was Olya, comforting me as always.

“I am here, dear sister. I am here for you,” Olya said, her reassurances like a balm to my wounds.

Sniffling, I thanked my sister, but Mama scoffed at me. I ignored Mama. Now I knew that I could not rely on her care anymore. She was ignorant and cold, just like an ice-cold Empress rather than a caring mother. I felt nothing towards Mama at that moment. Perhaps my love for Mama had worn out.

Olya, with a frown, untied my bindings. Unlocked, they fell from my wrists and ankles onto the cot. I hugged my sister while I continued to cry. We remained in an embrace until my tears ran dry. By then, Mama had left the room.

“I do not understand how our Mama could be so stubborn, I saw the horrible act!” Olga burst.

“I do not know if I can even see her as my Mama anymore… She does not care for me anymore.”

“ _ Nyet _ , she just needs to see the truth, that Rasputin is manipulating us for his own gain. Before, I trusted Father Grigori… now I cannot do so anymore. Although Mama may not trust you, at least I do.”

“Mama is stubborn, she will never help. Over the past few years, Mama has been drifting away from me. Finally, she has done so… permanently.”

“Do not say that! Allow Mama to calm down, then we can both speak with Papa to inquire into Father Grigori.”

“Rasputin, and no, Mama would never let that filthy male  _ cyka _ go,” I muttered, scowling at the floor.

“Katya! Do not curse!”

“Sorry, Olya… but it is far too difficult for me to forgive such a vile man!”

Olya nodded, and she said, “I understand, even I struggle to forgive. The Japanese who shed Russian blood… the revolutionaries who constantly slander our family...”

I got up from my camp bed before picking another dress from my wardrobe. It was the exact copy of the one that the mad monk tore. Aware of my nakedness, I hated the feeling. I hated the feeling of having to wash myself seven times. Am I even of any value anymore? For the first time in my life, I doubted if God would help me. I wore my spare dress while Olya looked at me with a pitiful expression. At least she sympathized with me. After placing on my dress, I saw my sister reach into a drawer and take out a photograph. She gave it to me. I looked at it, feeling happier at the memories it elicited.

“This is when we went to Livadia for your sixteenth birthday, right Olya?” I said, feigning a smile.

“Yes, dear sister. I just wanted to make you happy through the good memories we had. The value of our lives is based more on the good, not the bad,” Olya said.

“Well said, I wish that things were better. If only Alexei did not have that bleeding disease, then Rasputin would never have… used me. Without that disease, Mama would never have let Rasputin in for healing and false counsel.”

“I agree, but there is nothing we can do to change what already happened. We must trust God, no matter what happens. He will reward us for our faithfulness.”

“You are right…” I said, my tone hesitant.

“Do not doubt, Rasputin will receive his punishment later. I believe that the truth will come to light.”

“I hope so…” I mutter, still unsure.

* * *

Evening arrived, and my siblings and I went to the Billiard Hall. We hardly used that room, but Papa and Mama had changed their minds. We would be dining there instead of the Red Dining Hall. As soon as we arrived at the doors, two servants opened them for us.

“ _ Spasibo _ , Alseky, Anna,” I said to the servants.

The room, with its white painted walls and exquisite decorations always caught my eyes. On one wall hung portraits of Queen Victoria and another queen whose name I forgot. Potted plants and bookshelves lined the walls, and even a billiard table stood near the dining table. Would Papa teach me how to play billiard this time? He would always tell me that he would teach me sometime later.

I sat beside my two closest sisters, Olya and Tatya. All five of us Romanov children prayed along with Mama and Papa, believing that God would protect us and guide us. We ended the prayer with a collective Amen.

I looked down at my plate, and the aroma of the food tempts my nose. I realized that I had not eaten a filling lunch earlier. My still unsatisfied belly complains rather loudly. How embarrassing! I stuffed a bite of food into my mouth, as I was desperate for nourishment. Mama looked at me with disapproval. That time, she kept silent.

Papa gave me a warm smile. I felt warmer around him, but colder around Mama. Of my parents and relatives, I felt the closest to Papa. He always knew how to make me happier. Perhaps I would tell him about what happened today… no, it would be futile. He also trusted Rasputin too much.

Alexei, cheerful as usual, joked around with the Little Pair. They giggled again when Alexei began to imitate Cousin Pavlovich. He went off of his chair and started to speak pickup lines. Cousin Mitya often flirted with us, and it made us blush every time.

“Oh, Katya, am I dead? Because I see that you are an angel!”

By that time, Nastya and Maria were laughing. I shyly look downwards to hide my blush. Yes, Alyosha had overheard Mitya speak his flirtations to me only months ago. As much as my brother could embarrass me sometimes, I still loved him. I hoped that our next trip to Livadia would help us bond even tighter as a family. Still, I wished that I could find love just as Olya had. I needed someone besides Papa to hold me and say that I would be alright.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> To anyone who wondered why Alexandra did not believe Ekaterina, the Tsarina actually had a strong trust in Rasputin in the original timeline. This was thanks to his "miraculous healing" of Alexei's bleeding episodes. She even played a role in exiling Grand Duke Dmitri Pavlovich, who she raised after his parents died, after he murdered Rasputin as a result of that trust. Thus, it is not far-fetched that she would stubbornly trust in Rasputin and disbelieve any negative news about the monk.


	3. On the Standart Part 1

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> The Grand Duchess Ekaterina and her family board the Standart on an August morning. Their voyage to Livadia begins. On the ship, a certain dashing naval officer waits for her. Another encounter between them brings their hidden feelings to light.

_ August 10, 1913 _

“God save Tsar Nicholas the Second!”

“Long last Imperial Russia!”

Voices from the crowds around the royal escort reverberated in the cool summer air. All of us react in different manners towards the enthusiastic onlookers. While I wave at the crowds, I wonder what it is like to have been born common. The other two of the Big Trio, Olya and Tatya remained aloof in the eyes of the crowd. Mama always taught us that we must keep standards of behavior as expected of royalty. One of them was to never mix with the lower-classes, and that included interacting with them. I did not feel comfortable with ignoring the lower-class people. We must have appeared aloof to our subjects.

I looked at the vehicle ahead of me. Mama gave a subtle shake of her head at Mashka and Nastya. They had waved to the crowd and Maria had blown kisses at the guards. I rolled my eyes. Baby sat beside her, and he seemed so happy to receive the good attention. He could not resist smiling at the crowd as well. The crowds of loyal Russian men, women, and even children continued to wave, cheer, and sing for us. The sounds were pleasant to my ears, eliciting a happy feeling in me. However, my smile faded away as I remembered what Rasputin had done to me. I blinked away my tears again. I scolded my mind for even bringing up that memory. I looked back towards the automobile ahead where Papa, Mama, the Little Pair, and Baby sat.

“Just smile, Katya, everything will get better soon,” Tatiana whispered to me.

I frowned at my sister with tearful eyes. No, I could not speak about that horrid morning the day before.

“All I know is that you tried to attack Father Grigori, and he acted accordingly. At least Mama did not punish you for doing so. Perhaps having fun at Livadia would help you,” my second youngest sister replied, holding my arm with gentleness.

“You know  _ nothing _ ,” I muttered, and I looked away from her.

“Why must you be mean to Tatya? She is trying to help you!” Olga said, and Mama glares back at me.

Our royal escort of guards and automobiles reached the dock, and I looked upward at the splendor of our yacht, the  _ Standart _ . Its massive hull stretched over a hundred meters, and every square meter of its hull was painted with the imperial black and gold of the Russian Empire. From the front deck, a gold-leaf covered mast extended, holding a golden two-headed eagle figurehead. The three masts towered over the decks, which had officers, marines, and other crew members standing at attention. I had seen the yacht many times since my younger years, and I still was amazed by its opulence.

Our automobiles ended their short journey on the docks, and we stepped out of them. The salty, humid smell of the sea reached my nose, and I took a deep breath to calm myself. Oh, how much I loved the sea! On trips to Livadia or the Finnish fjords, I would often run around with my sisters, watch the ocean, and speak with a certain dashing officer. Soon, I would meet him again. My heart beat for him, despite the unlikeliness that both of us would be together.

My heart beat faster in anticipation while I followed my sisters on the gangway to the  _ Standart _ . At last, all seven of us stepped onto the decks, and the sailors and officers saluted Papa. Papa smiled at the officers while dressed in his white sailor suit with various badges and regalia on it.

“Prepare for the departure, we will be leaving Petersburg shortly,” Papa said.

All 275 of the crewmen began to disperse around the decks, bridge, and the inside of the yacht. While they did so, Mama followed Papa below deck, perhaps to relax in the Study Room. All six of us went to the edge of the decks, and we waved at the crowds below us. We watched the dock crew untie the yacht and unlatch the gangway. The loud sound of the yacht horn blew, reverberating in the air. It was a familiar sound that I had heard many times in the past ten years of my life: loud and of a low-pitch. Within a few minutes, the yacht began to move away from the docks. Our two-week journey to Livadia had begun.

Nastya and Mashka, my younger pair of sisters, whispered something into the ears of my little brother. Whatever they had whispered to little Aloysha, it made him smile. The Little Pair ran away to another part of the ship while Baby followed them. This left Olya, Tatya, and I alone. We watched the skyline of St. Petersburg recede into the distance, and we kept silent for a moment before Tatya spoke.

“We should go inside, where it is warmer.”

“Agreed, I would not like it if the sea wets my dress. Those dark clouds in the distance seem like they will rain,” I said.

Olya, Tatya, and I departed from the deck railings. We made our way under the covered parts of the decks. The white canvas awnings in those areas would shield us from the rainstorm ahead. We passed by an officer dressed in his uniform, colored the black and golden-yellow of Imperial Russia. He looked at me, and I stopped mid-pace, recognizing that handsome face. My other two sisters continued to walk away, but I stayed beside the two officers. I mustered a smile while my gaze drifted up to those warm brown eyes. He smiled back, giving me a view of his dazzling white teeth. His brown eyes gazed upon me, and I felt a strange feeling throughout my body. My cheeks felt warmer. I felt as if my heart dropped. I was face to face with Pavel Voronov, the crush of my twin sister.

“Katya, it has been a while since we have seen each other. How have things gone for you?”

I looked down at the deck floor, thinking for sometime about what to say. “Thank you, Mister Voronov, for your concern. Since last year, things have gone normally. Little Baby has been playful, and Nastya and Mashka are still quite mischievous. They even melted chocolate in my undergarments…”

Pasha laughed. “How naughty!”

“Yes, but I forgave them after a week. They meant no harm. After my two younger sisters apologized, Mama and Papa made them clean my undergarments for over two hours.”

“So your parents did not punish them as severely?”

“Mama would normally… chastise Nastya if her pranks went too far, but Mama was in a good mood that day.”

“Ah, I understand,” Pasha said, glancing at the dark clouds overhead.

“I would prefer it if we go below deck. There is a rainstorm coming,” he added.

He led me to another door, opening it. We descended the staircase behind it, and we found ourselves in a long hall with walls of mahogany. Ornate brass lamps mounted upon the walls illuminated the entire hallway. The carpeting, which was colored the black and yellow of Imperial Russia, covered the floor. As we paced down the hallway, we continued to talk with the same friendliness and casual tone as two close friends would. The way he gazed at me… did he hold feelings for me? I knew I had feelings for him, but would he return them?

“Once we reach my cabin, I will introduce you to my new bunkmate, Alec. He is a good man with a sense of humor,” Pasha spoke.

“I like people who have a sense of humor, I find them pleasant and fun to be with,” I replied, glancing up at his well-sculpted face.

His nose was large and angular, his chin and jaw were more angular, and his high cheekbones gave him the appearance of a bourgeois nobleman. Not only did his appearance look noble, but he was a member of the noble family of Voronov! Associating with a man of such a high status would not be frowned upon as much as an association with a lower-class man. Grand Duchesses such as myself had to maintain standards. None of my sisters and I could marry someone below our station. I thought that was ridiculous.

Pasha and I reached the door. He knocked on the door while I waited beside him.

“Is that you, Pavel?” a muffled voice spoke.

“Yes! I have a good acquaintance of mine that I would like to introduce!”

At once, Alec opened the door. He had brown eyes and high cheekbones like Pasha, but his face was more narrow. His black hair was trimmed in the standard buzzcut of the naval officers onboard. He widened his eyes, and he bowed.

“Your Imperial Highness!” Alec acknowledged me.

“You may address me as Ekaterina from now on. Do not worry about the proper honorifics,” I said.

Alec stopped bowing, standing up. “I am glad to meet you, Ekaterina.”

“Thank you, it is uncommon for me to meet anyone outside of my family and servants. Believe me, we grand duchesses may have comfortable lives in our palaces, but we are always stuck in our own world. It becomes boring, even lonely, after years of living that lifestyle.”

“Oh. I was unaware that you lacked good company.”

“Not anymore, at least I have Pasha,” I spoke, gently leaning my body against Pasha.

Pasha blushed, and he stepped away from me. “Erm… yes, we are… good accomplices.”

My heart sank. How would he only think of me as only an accomplice? I glanced at his face, and there was definitely a blush on his cheeks. To my surprise, Alec did not notice the blush on the cheeks of his friend. No, perhaps Pasha was only nervous. Perhaps he did have feelings for me, but he was nervous. If I were more honest with myself, I had feelings for that dashing officer, but I was nervous about the possibility that my parents would disapprove of any romance between us.

“Are you sure, Mister Voronov? You two only meet on these occasional voyages,” Alec said, raising an eyebrow.

“Yes, I have met Ekaterina multiple times, and we have spent countless hours together. You must believe me, I deeply care for her, as her  _ diadka _ .”

“Are you in love?” Alec teased, grinning.

“ _ Nyet _ . I- I do not know who will be my lady, but I would devote myself to her once I- I find her,“ he stammered.

Alec chuckled. “I wish you the best, Pavel.”

“Thank you, I will meet you at lunchtime.”

As Pasha and I left the room, Alec closed the door behind us. Following Pasha, I heard another faint chuckle behind it. Apparently I was wrong. Alec had noticed that Pasha had feelings for me. I did not know what would be the best choice for me.

Even if we were together and officially courting, I was unsure if I could be intimate with a man again. I hated Rasputin. The sole comfort my mind could provide was that Rasputin was dozens of kilometers away. Also, I would not have to encounter my uncaring, cold Tsarina for a mother. It was no wonder why some people called her the  _ Ice Empress _ . However, she would be more sociable and affable onboard our yacht. She would talk with the crew and band members and even play board games with them. The label of  _ Ice Empress _ did not always apply to my mother, but it did most of the time.

We soon reached a room with a billiard table and other shelves with small wooden boxes. This was the leisure room where Papa and the officers would play billiard games for hours. I then felt a twinge of worry for my other sisters. Had they gone inside the ship before the storm? Suddenly, I heard the muffled clap of thunder, and I glanced at the window. I gasped as I saw water rippling from the strong winds outside, and the rain and thunder hitting the ground.

“I believe that we should look for my sisters and brother. Let us not give them even more worry,” I said.

“Yes, but they have their _diadkas_ as well. For certain, they must have gone inside.”

“Do we leave the billiard game for a more convenient time?”

Pasha looked at me as if I just spoke Japanese. “You, a Grand Duchess, playing billiard games? Very peculiar.”

“Of course I can! Papa said that he would teach me how to play that someday,” I blurted, crossing my arms.

“I am sorry, I thought that ladies such as yourself do not play billiards.”

“Well, this one  _ will _ , regardless of what her mother thinks.”

“You are a willful and smart young lady, Katya. I find those qualities attractive. Of all of the years that I have been with your family, I see that you are very different from your sisters except the little one.”

“You are right… I just do not fit perfectly with my family. Tatya and I often argue, and my mother always criticizes me. At least Mashka, Nastya, and Olya get along with me the most often-”

“Wait, you said _attractive_?” I asked, blushing.

“Yes, Katya. I like a woman with a certain fire of spirit and a bright mind. Your brave will to do things that your strict mother hardly approves of… it is admirable. After all these years since you were a little girl, I have always been fond of you, and I care for you.”

Pasha then gently held my hands, rubbing his thumbs on my palms. With each stroke of his thumbs on my fair and soft skin, I felt as if energy was coursing through me. I felt so happy. Here was my dashing  _ diadka _ , confessing his deep feelings for me. Nervousness set in. What could I say? I knew I had feelings for him as well, but what were they? How could I express them?

I blinked hard, and I thought of Rasputin. I shivered, imagining his disgusting hands crawling all over my flesh. My eyes watered again. I felt Pasha release my hands, and he wiped the tears rolling down my cheeks.

“Have I done something wrong against you? If so, I am sorry.”

I sniffled. “ _ Nyet _ , it is only a certain bad memory I have.”

“Come with me, let us take a seat. We can talk this through,” Pasha said, leading me to a pair of chairs.

Once I sat down, I took deep breaths to calm myself while I wiped my eyes. My  _ diadka _ waited for me to regain my composure, handing me a handkerchief. I gladly took it. After what seemed like half an hour of weeping, my tears ran dry.

“Can you tell me what went wrong? I am willing to listen.”

“Y-yes...”

I mustered my courage, and I began to tell Pasha about the encounter the day before. As soon as I went into detail about what Rasputin had done to me, he was shocked. His brown eyes widened in terror as I explained how he took advantage of me. My voice trembled and grew quieter as I began to tell how my mother failed to comfort me. I could no longer speak, and I kept silent.

“I had a feeling that Rasputin had something wrong about him. He is a lust-driven madman, that  _ urod _ . If I see him again, just give me an order to shoot him, and I will comply.”

“Please, just hold me,” I said, whimpering.

Pasha held me closer to him while stroking my hair, saying that I would be alright. We stayed in that room until almost lunchtime. When the time did come, we made our way to the dining room, and Pasha explained to Papa that he accompanied me around the yacht. I glanced at Olya, whose face was etched with jealousy. I felt some pity for her. Mashka and Nastya entered the room with their sailors, laughing with them from a terrible joke. My mother, sitting proud and tall on her seat, refused to look at me. Only Papa seemed to care for me, giving me a warm smile. He hugged me before I sat down beside him. At that moment, my world seemed just right.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Here are the translations for the Russian words used here.
> 
> urod: freak.
> 
> diadka: a member of the Standart crew assigned to watch over one of the Romanov daughters or son.


	4. Sororal Strife

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> As Ekaterina enjoys time with her dashing officer, her twin sister notices their closeness. Jealousy festers into strife, and tensions rise between the two grand duchesses.

_ August 17, 1913 _

It was another Saturday on the  _ Standart _ . Heading south, we passed by Great Britain, France, and Spain. The waters of the Atlantic Ocean were very rough compared to the calmer waters of the Mediterranean. Not only was the voyage smoother, but we enjoyed the freedom to go above deck and enjoy the warm weather. Papa and Captain Zelenetsky estimated that we were somewhere off the Italian island of Sardinia. I had once asked Papa if we could go to Italy, but he said no. The Italians and us Russians had good diplomatic relations, but there was no reason to visit that nation. Nevertheless, I still felt excited to see Livadia again!

I sat on a cushioned chair under the covered area of the deck near the stern. That place was my preferred spot on the Standart. There, I would sit and rest alone. At least I could be myself without any distractions. I did not always fit in with my sisters, so I sometimes resided by myself alone. The gentle salty sea breezes caressed my face, cooling it. I took a deep breath, savoring the familiar salty smell of the Mediterranean. My surroundings were silent, except for the waves splashing on the hull.

I felt the hairs on the back of my neck stand up, and I glanced back. A uniformed brunette man stretched his arms out sideways and uttered one word.

“Boo!”

I yelped, getting off of my chair and holding up my hands. I was not scared for long. Upon taking a closer look at the naval officer, I became somewhat angry yet relieved. Those high cheekbones and warm hazel eyes gave away his identity. He was Pasha!

“My goodness, at least you could give a sign that you were coming!” I exclaimed.

“I am sorry, I could not resist doing that. I simply wanted to cheer you up.”

“If that was your intention, you did not succeed,” I said, smiling.

“Then I will try harder next time,” Pasha said, grinning back.

I laughed. Pasha then took out a bundle of playing cards. He was about to teach me how to play cards, another unladylike activity. However, I was hardly a lady in the first place. He placed the cards on the table near the chairs, and I watched as Pasha shuffled the cards. I wondered what game we would play, perhaps  _ preferans _ ?

Pasha soon finished shuffling the cards. I moved my chair closer to the table before sitting down again. He took half of the cards, leaving the other half of cards for me.

“This is the two-player version of  _ preferans _ , often called  _ hussar _ ,” he informed me.

“I have heard of that game! I remember that Papa would play it with the other officers until late at night,” I commented.

“Yes. In fact, he was the one who taught me how to play it.”

“Really? How long has it been since your first game of  _ preferans _ ?”

“About four years. I have gained plenty of experience in this game. Do not worry, I will play slower and less aggressively, just so you can learn the basic tactics.”

I glanced around us. “What if we are caught playing cards together?”

“That is not a big concern. I can explain it to your siblings or parents whenever they come here. Now, shall we begin?”

I nodded, and Pasha explained to me the rules of the game and the roles of each card. After he was done explaining the game, I shrugged. The game was more complicated than any other board game I had played before. I glanced down at my cards before playing my weaker card.

Pasha nodded in approval. “Good. Being conservative with your higher cards is a good strategy in the beginning of the game.”

“I assume that newer players would rush head on with their higher cards, a poor move.”

“Correct. You are learning quickly.”

We continued to play until one of us won. Pasha won, but at least I had managed to capture some of his cards. Pasha shook hands with me. His hand felt warm and rough.

“Your hands are seductively smooth,” he said.

I blushed. “Please, do not say that. What if Olya hears us?”

Pasha looked around us, and he shook his head. “Your twin sister is nowhere nearby, perhaps because it is almost lunchtime.”

I felt relief, yet I had not noticed my hunger before. The realization that I had not eaten for four and a half hours came to my mind. Pasha took the cards and bundled them before pocketing them. We stood up from our seats and we made our way to the dining saloon above deck. That saloon had been specifically designed to fit seventy-two people at the most, as officers, marines, and the band members needed a place to enjoy their meals. I remembered that it had mahogany walls with ornate designs carved into them, and a large table stood in the middle. Eighteen people could sit around it. That was our family table where only the closest friends and accomplices could sit alongside us.

We finally reached the saloon, where a marine sat beside the entrance. He briefly stopped eating his sandwich before saluting me. I thanked the marine before Pasha and I stepped in. To my surprise, the Little Pair had not yet arrived at the saloon. Perhaps they had wandered quite far on the ship. Only the rest of the Big Trio and our parents were there.

“Katya, where were you? Tatya and I searched around below deck, and we could not find you! What were you doing with Pasha?” Olga said, crossing her arms.

Pasha chuckled. “Do not worry, I was playing  _ hussars _ with your twin sister. She wanted to learn it, so I taught her the basics. I must admit, she did surprisingly well for her first game.”

“ _ What _ ? You played cards with Pasha? That is not a ladylike thing to do!” Tatiana spat.

“Please Tatya, it was only one time! We did not even bet money, so there was no lust for money,” I said, defending myself.

“I may not approve of Katya playing cards, but she was not much of a lady in the first place. She does not have to be a lady to be happy, and that is all I wish for her,” Olya said.

Tatya still shook her head, adamant that I should have acted more ladylike. I felt annoyed with her. She hardly agreed with me, so I had come to dislike her. The press called us the Big Trio, but we were actually separated into a pair and a single. Olya and Tatya would often stay together. I would often handle my own business. I was the black sheep of the family. Still, I felt thankful that Olya had stood up for me and understood my situation with Rasputin.

Mother looked at me with those same cold grayish-blue eyes. The haughty expression she gave me was unlikeable. I had to force myself not to sneer. My heart, broken by the callousness of my mother, was only filled with contempt. I once loved her as a child, but all good things on earth come to an end. I did not hate many people. My mother was an exception. What kind of mother would be blind to the molester of her daughter? No, she is only the woman who gave birth to me. She is hardly my mother.

“Sit down, Ekaterina. Your younger sisters and brother will be here soon,”

“Yes, Miss Feodorovna.”

Mother frowns, and Papa shook his head at me in disapproval. I did not like to make Papa unhappy, but I hated Mother too much. I sat beside Pasha, farther away from my mother. If Papa noticed my aversion to my mother, he showed no signs of it. After waiting for a few minutes, I heard the sounds of Nastya and Mashka chattering. I looked back at the entrance to see my two younger sisters and my younger brother escorted by their  _ diadkas _ .

They took their seats with their guardian officers. All of us began to pray to bless the food. After finishing the prayer, I felt more at peace. Everytime I prayed, I felt closer to God. I still had faith that God would look after me despite the terrible incident with Rasputin. It could have been worse. Rasputin would have raped me, but God had sent my sister to save me before that could happen. Perhaps there must have been a lesson from that experience, but I did not know what it was.

I started to eat my lunch, savoring the well-done steak and the crisp Caesar salad. Nastya, as rebellious as usual, played with her food. She picked up her fork to impale a grape. She did not succeed. The grape flew off of her plate, landing on mine. I felt annoyed. That was not the first time that she had played with her food. Nastya pouted at me, and Mashka stopped chewing her bite, looking at me. The gazes of their shining blue eyes begged me to return the grape, but I had made up my mind. With a smirk, I picked up the grape with my free hand, and I held it to my lips.

“Katya, please give Nastya her food back,” Mashka said, pouting at me with her blue saucer eyes.

“Not until she promises to stop flinging food onto my plate. It annoys me,” I said.

“Ekaterina is right, my little shvibzik. You play with your food too much,” Papa said before sipping from his tea cup.

“Sorry, Katya. I will stop.”

I gave my youngest sister the grape. She popped it into her mouth, chewing with her mouth wide open. I rolled my eyes. Little Nastya never changed. Tatya, who ignored the little incident, continued to eat as if nothing had happened. Olya gave me a wary look whenever I stopped eating to look at Pasha. I felt sorry for my twin sister, as she could not win the heart of her crush. His heart belonged to mine, and mine to his instead.

I stopped looking at Pasha after Olga gave me a cold stare, as if her eyes said  _ keep your eyes off my love or else _ . Knowing that my twin sister had a short temper, I decided not to anger her. I could almost feel Pasha looking at me. Perhaps I must have appeared cold to him.

“Katya, are you alright?” Pasha whispered to me, as I nodded yes.

Olya looked at Pavel with a longing stare with her slightly slanted blue eyes. “Pasha-”

“Pavel,” Pasha corrected, smiling back at Olya.

Olga looked away from him, but I could see her frown. I pretended that nothing had happened. I was the first to finish my meal, and I stood up from my chair. I just wanted to leave the saloon before an argument began.

“Can I go outside?” I asked Papa.

“Yes, you may. Make sure that Mister Voronov accompanies you after he finishes.”

“But… who will be my  _ diadka _ ?” Olga asked.

“Mister Voronov is yours as well. He has watched you and Katya since you two were only thirteen,” Papa replied in a calm voice.

“Yes, Papa,” Olya sighed.

My twin sister and I followed Pavel outside, and we felt the cool sea breezes blow on us. Only the crashing of the waves could be heard as usual. At a distance from our yacht, an escort of cruisers surrounded it. This was necessary since my family could be targets for the enemies of Russia. Everywhere we traveled, there was a constant risk that someone would attempt to assassinate us.

All three of us walked along the empty deck of the ship. Once we were far from the saloon, Olya tugged at the sleeves of my dress. I raised an eyebrow in confusion. What was bothering her about me and Pasha? We had not even done improper things!

“Pavel, may I speak with my sister in private?” Olya asked Pasha.

“You may. I will stay nearby and keep watch,” he replied.

Olya nodded, and she grabbed me by the arm, taking me to the poop deck. We found shade below the awnings to keep ourselves cool. We took our seats on the cushioned chairs. I felt at ease until I noticed that my twin sister looked angry.

“What have you done with Pasha?” Olya growled. 

“What are you talking about?”

“I saw how you looked at him with desire. It is improper to do so!”

“You sound like Tatya,” I said, scoffing.

“Still, it is improper to look at a man with lust, as it displeases God. I implore you to control yourself. If you have carnal relations outside of marriage, you will regret that.”

“Do not act so innocent, sister. I am aware that you have feelings for Pasha as well as I do. During lunch, I saw you gaze at Pasha many times with longing. You are a hypocrite!” I burst.

Olya harrumphed. “So you admit your desire for Pasha.”

“Yes, Olya. I  _ love _ him. In return. he truly cares about me.”

“I love him too! And he is my  _ diadka _ , not yours!”

“He is  _ our  _ diadka, but he is my love. I know that he truly loves me more than Mama ever could. He is the first person to truly accept me for who I am. I hope that you understand why I want to be with him for the rest of my life.”

“Surely you do not intend to break my heart? What will I do if Pasha leaves me for you?”

“It is not my intent to break your heart. If the worst happens, then you may find another man. Pasha is not the only one you can find, Olya.”

“I cannot do that! If I see you intimate with him, I  _ will  _ tell Papa.”

“No!” I exclaimed.

“Yes, I  _ can _ .” Olya said, scowling at me.

“You are a terrible person to threaten your sister,” I said, jabbing a finger on the shoulder of my sister.

“How dare you utter that! I helped you after Rasputin  _ used _ you! You are going too far!” Olga shot back.

We stood off for a few moments before we heard footsteps behind us, and we turned around. Pasha stood in his uniform, chuckling.

“What are you two arguing about? You both sounded quite angry for such well-behaved grand duchesses,” he said.

“Nothing, my sister and I were playing a shouting game,” I said, looking at Pasha with widened eyes.

Pasha looked with a raised eyebrow at us, and he shrugged. “I would not be surprised if both of you argued often, as you two are quite stubborn.”

Pasha walked away a few steps from us, and he looked with a distant gaze out to the horizon. Thankfully, he had not overheard our argument. When he was out of earshot, Olya whispered in my ear.

“The matter is not over yet, Katya.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Based on "theromanovfamily" website, it is historical fact that the Grand Duchess Olga had affections for Pavel Voronov during 1913. They had known each other for years before feelings developed. In the original timeline, he married a different Olga, crushing the heart of the eldest Grand Duchess. In HAGD, a few changes have been made. Pavel had not yet begun to court any woman, and Olga is more possessive and passionate in her feelings for Pavel. I believe that her behavior better suits her more emotional personality.


	5. Turning Point

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Stuck between the needs of her family and the needs of her heart, Ekaterina makes a decision that will radically change her life. Nothing will be the same for her.

_August 21, 1913_

For three days, our yacht and its escort of cruisers traveled through the rest of the Mediterranean Sea, passing Greek and Ottoman territory. We had finally reached the Black Sea. We were almost at Livadia. Over a week of waiting had only increased my anticipation, and I found myself often looking out at the waves. The rolling waters gently lapped against the sides of the yacht, creating a calming rhythm that soothed my ears.

At ten in the morning, I found myself reading  _ Pride and Prejudice _ , and I began to appreciate British literature more. Russian literature became boring after years of reading only it, especially  _ Of War And Peace _ . I was in the cabin shared by Olya, Tatya, and I. Olya and Tatya were outside talking with their guardian officers. The thought of Olya with Pasha made me feel a little jealous and angry. Over the past four days, I could not interact with Pasha as much. Although I was no lady, the fear of being exposed as indecent still scared me. What would I do if such a thing happened? My closest sisters, Olya and Mashka, would shun me. Papa would certainly do that as well.

That thought made me sadder. How could my dear twin sister be so cruel? First, I had been degraded by Rasputin. Yet when I found solace in my love, Pasha, my twin sister decided to tear me away from him. Some of the Russian people believe that our family is sacred and anointed by the Almighty. I had realized long ago that we fell short of that reputation. We are a family filled with strife and countless evil deeds. Our fellow Russian relatives shared a bitter rivalry with the Alexandrovich and Nicholaevich lines over who should rule Russia. Some of my ancestors did nothing while people rioted and the pogroms happened. The worst problem of all is the stain of Rasputin within our family circle. 

My emotions threatened to overwhelm me, and I could no longer read with clear eyes. Tears blurred my vision again, and I wiped them away with my hands. I closed the book before laying down on my bed. Sniffling, I contemplated whether to remain with my family. If I left, I would lose the good company of Papa, funny Nastya, and sweet Mashka. If I stayed, I would never be free, doomed to live trapped in a golden cage. Both choices were terrible. I did not know which one to choose.

“Oh why… why must I be a grand duchess?” I mused, staring at the cabin ceiling.

“And, why must Olya not understand that I love Pasha!”

I was met only with silence. Why God remained silent most of the time, I did not know. Perhaps He gave us human beings a portion of personal responsibility, but I did not know what. I laid on my bed, hoping that I could think of the best choice to make. The decision never came. I still could not decide whether to take a chance with Pasha or obey Olya.

Frustrated, I left the cabin, and I saw Mashka and Nastya approaching our cabins, accompanied by their  _ diadkas _ . I hoped to slip away unnoticed, but they spotted me.

“Katya, you finally went outside! I thought you would stay in there all day!” Nastya exclaimed.

I forced a smile, hoping that they would not notice something amiss. “Of course not, I just needed the fresh air outside. Just asking, did you see Mister Voronov?”

“Yes, he went to the poop deck with Olya,” Mashka said, and Nastya snickered.

“I had to go in the  _ poop _ deck,” Nastya said in a funny tone.

Little shvibzik was up making jokes again as usual. She knew that Mama and I had problems with each other, so she was more naughty and lively to distract us from our family troubles. I admired my youngest sister who persisted in encouraging us and lifting our spirits. Tatya may have been the most devout of us, but I believe Nastya was the real hero. I let myself laugh along with Mashka, and the  _ diadkas _ chuckled.

“That was a good play of words,” I commented.

“I am happy that you are happy,” Nastya said.

“And I am thankful for that. I would be very sad without you two!”

“That is why we are here for you… and do not forget about your dashing officer,” Mashka said, smiling.

I gasped. “Wait… you knew the entire time?”

“Of course, I noticed you looking at Pasha many times! But do not worry, I will not tell Mama or Papa.”

I sighed in relief. “Thank you two, Mama would chastise me if she ever found out about me and Pasha!”

“Just go and find your  _ love _ ,” Mashka teased.

“Alright, I will see you two later!”

Before Nastya could make another comment, I ran away. I felt relieved. Not only was Nastya still nice to me, but Mashka had understanding. She was always the sweetest child and romantic of the family. Of all my sisters, I felt the closest to her, and Nastya was not far behind.

I stopped running as soon as I saw Pasha and Olya sitting close together, laughing. Worry built up within me. I took slow steps towards them, and I saw Olya lean herself against him. My dashing officer, of course, attempted to gently push my lovestruck sister back. A wave of relief cascaded within me. Pasha remained loyal to me. I was spotted by them, and Pasha gestured for me to approach him. Feeling spiteful from rejection, Olya crossed her arms.

I sat beside Pasha, and my spirits lifted. I grinned. However, my happiness did not last long, as I remembered the threat by my sister Olya. My grin disappeared. Pasha then patted his hand on my shoulder.

Pasha frowned. “Are you alright, Katya?”

“I am worried about the inevitable… eventually I will never see you again on the Standart with me. It saddens me,” I said, nearly as quiet as a whisper.

“Most people that you meet will come and go, sister. You just have to accept it,” Olya said, giving me a cold stare.

“Some people that one meets will stay, as meant to be,” I said.

“Both of you are right. Now let me teach you both about  _ preferans _ ,” Pasha said.

He revealed his deck of cards from his pocket before distributing them among all three of us. We played for sometime, and the enjoyment we had from the game distracted us from our troubles. We were just three people enjoying their time together. I wished that my family could live in peace and unity, but that would never happen.

An hour passed. Pasha still won the game, but not without struggle. Olya and I had managed to take multiple cards from him.

“Good job, Your Highnesses. That was a very enjoyable game, and I really struggled to win that time,” he said in a playful tone.

“At least I have something else to do besides reading novels,” I commented, handing my cards to Pasha.

Pasha took our cards and bundled them together. “What kind of novels do you prefer?”

“I enjoy adventure and romance, how about you, Mister Voronov?”

“Well, I actually do not read very often. It is not my ideal pastime. However, I enjoy swimming and traveling very much.”

“Traveling… I have wanted to see France or Italy since I was ten years old,” Olya said.

“France and Italy are on good terms with our country. They are good choices for travel. Perhaps you can visit those countries for the first time someday,” Pasha said.

“Actually, I have been to France before when I was very young. My sister Katya also came with me. Sadly, I do not remember anything from that. I only know I was there because Papa told me.”

Pasha looked at the ocean, and he smiled. “Perhaps you will be able to see France again when a charming French gentleman sweeps off your feet.”

My twin sister averted her gaze from the naval officer. “Nyet. I will remain wholly Russian. I will marry only a Russian, and if I do so, it will be for love.”

“If you fail to follow that, do not worry. Love can happen to anyone at any time.”

“Still, I prefer having more say in who I will marry and love.”

“I agree with that,” I said, looking at my sister, who raised an eyebrow.

“Love never changes, but the rules do. Perhaps women in the future will no longer have arranged marriages,” Pasha said.

All three of us continued to speak with each other, avoiding any sensitive matters. We did not want to offend Pasha. No, I could not lose my love! With my twin sister as competition, I knew that winning over Pasha would be harder. A thought returned to my mind. Would Papa approve of me and Pasha being together?

* * *

I frolicked with the Little Pair and chatted with the officers. Mama spent more time with Papa, and I would sometimes spot them hugging each other. Once I spotted them kissing. They laughed at me when they saw me blushing. I was embarrassed, but Papa reassured me that kissing was normal. Lunchtime passed without any trouble, and I roller skated on the ship besides my sisters. My brother, due to his condition, could not roller skate with us. I felt pity for Little Baby because he could not do many enjoyable things.

In the evening, I went inside my cabin with my sisters once the outside gales blew with more vigor. Within the warm confines of the room, I found myself reading my book once again. Olya and Tatya chattered about various things, sitting on their bed beside mine. In the cabin next to ours, Nastya and Maria were probably joking around with Baby as usual.

I managed to finish  _ Pride and Prejudice _ before dinner, and I felt happier upon reading the ending. Despite problems in the beginning, the Bennet sisters found their loves. I hoped to find that same sort of ending with Pasha. An hour later, Tatya reminded me that it was dinner time. By then, she had to rouse me awake. I must have dozed off out of boredom.

It was not long before we found ourselves in the dining saloon again, which had filled with various crewmen. My mother and Papa sat alongside Alyosha and the Little Pair. Us three, the Big Trio, seated ourselves across from them. Our  _ diadkas _ sat in the other seats, keeping silent as Papa told everyone to quiet themselves. He would pray for the safety and health of everyone on the ship and all of Russia, and he would bless the food.

Papa began to utter the prayer. I listened to every word, hoping that what he asked would come true. He prayed for guidance and providence. He prayed for the safety of my family. I believed that God would grant everyone on the Standart those three things. We all uttered a concluding Amen to end our mutual prayer. At once, the officers and sailors began to chat and joke together, enjoying their time together.

My mother seemed to have a better mood that evening. She sipped from her cup of fresh Spanish wine, and she whispered flirtatious comments into the ears of my Papa. He laughed. It was a boisterous and hearty sound that I had come to love. At least Papa and my mother were happy in the moment. My little brother enjoyed his meal in silence, watching Nastya and Mashka chattering instead of eating. My sisters ate their dinner without a word. They had often been the more well behaved of us six. This left me, the other sister, free from any family attention. I gazed at Pasha, focusing my sight on his well-sculpted jaw. It was not long before Pasha noticed my attention.

“Thinking about something, Your Highness?” he said.

I blinked twice. “Uh, no. I was thinking about my favorite book. I enjoyed it very much.”

“What is it?”

“I used to enjoy reading War And Peace, but now I prefer Pride and Prejudice.”

“Ah, an English classic. I can see that romance is your favorite genre.”

Pasha and I spoke to each other with the ease of close friends, perhaps even lovers. We laughed together at every joke and tease. I decided to ignore the scowls of my twin sister long before. I did not want to ruin the good times Pasha had with me.

As soon as I finished my meal, I waited at my chair, sipping from my glass of wine. I did not like the thought of being intoxicated with drink. Neither would a hangover be acceptable by my standards. Once Pasha finished his meal, he wiped his mouth with a napkin. He threw the napkin into a small trash can, and he gestured for me to follow him.

“Papa, I will go to my cabin. Can Pavel escort me there?” I said to Papa.

“Yes, he may. Stay safe, Katya,” Papa replied, and he returned to his conversation with my mother.

“ _ Spasibo _ ,” I said, and I followed Pavel out of the saloon.

The winds blew at us once we stepped out of the saloon, ruffling my hair. Pasha led me along the deck, and I looked out to the rolling waves and evening sky. Colored a beautiful mixture of pastel orange and hues of dark blue, the sky was a sight that would remain in my memory for years to come. The sight was breathtaking. I was so happy. Nothing else came to mind while Pasha and I embraced under the emerging stars in the darkening sky. I felt that it was time to say what must be said.

“Pasha?” I said, almost a whisper.

“Yes, Katya?” He asked me, stopping his pace.

I stopped walking, and I looked into his warm brown eyes, shining like brown onyx gems.

“I… feel so happy whenever I am with you, and so sad without you. I long to be with you for my remaining years. My dear Pasha, I...”

He silently waited for me to speak until he could wait no longer. “What are you trying to say?”

“I… I...”

“Please, Katya. It is fine to speak your mind here,” he said, grinning.

I took a deep breath. “Pasha, I must confess something. I care for you, and I yearn to be with you so much that my heart hurts… I have come to realize that I love you, Pasha.”

A few moments passed, and Pasha remained silent. I felt worried until he spoke the few words that I had doubted he would say.

“Katya… believe me or not, but I feel the same,” he said, his eyes glistening with unshed tears.

A thrilling feeling surged within my heart, and I felt as if our world just became brighter in that very instant. I felt happy. No, that word was not enough to describe how I felt. No word could substitute for what I felt. Then, I started to feel tears running down my cheeks. Pasha placed his hands on my cheeks and ran them down with the softest of touches, wiping away my tears.  As if sensing the yearning of my heart for its companion, he leaned closer to me. He wrapped his arms around my waist, and he lowered his head to mine. Our foreheads touched.

“Are you sure? Once we do this, we can never go back,” he said.

“Do it,  _ moya lyubov _ ,” I said.

“But your mother-”

“Forget about her. Forget about what the rules demand. Unless you are feeling a little scared.”

Pasha smiled, and he placed his lips upon mine, warm and full. I gave a soft moan into his mouth, and he parted his lips from mine.

“Did you like that?”

I gave him a gentle peck on his lips.

“I suppose that is a yes,” he said.

Before we could continue on our way to my cabin, I heard someone clear their throat. Startled, we turned our heads to see my twin sister standing next to my mother. My mother wore a horrified expression, while Olya trembled her lower lip. She whimpered, and began to sob. My mother patted my sister on the shoulder to comfort her, and she glared at me with pure anger. If I were a statue of ice, I would have evaporated.

“You have gone too far, Ekaterina Nikolaevna Romanova! I was fine with your attitude, but this is  _ unacceptable _ !” my mother growled.

Pasha opened his mouth to speak, but Mama dismissed him. He bowed and he walked away, giving me a sad glance. I stepped back, feeling more vulnerable with each passing second.

“Mama, I am so sorry! I-”

“We will discuss your little deed tomorrow,” Mama said, and she led Olya past me.

I could only keep still, as I did not know what to do. I came to a terrible realization. I would be shunned from my family. What came after that remained unknown to me, and that frightened me.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Here is another translation to help you understand the dialogue.
> 
> moya lyubov: my love.


	6. Decisions

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Ekaterina has been caught by her parents in the middle of a fling with a naval officer. After discussing the issue with his wife, her father reluctantly decides to punish her with a temporary removal from Russia after the Livadia vacation.

_August 22, 1913_

For the final hours of the trip, my mother confined me to my cabin unless it was time to eat. I was fearful not only for my future, but also concerned for my love, Pasha. As I stayed in my cabin, I could only reflect on my actions. Was kissing Pasha worth it? If making my relationship with Pasha official was worth doing, then I did not deserve to be torn away from my love. I remember how Papa told me that he hated to be torn from my mother before he married her. My mother said the same about Papa.

I thought about my family. Some of them, the Little Pair, understood and even supported me. My younger sister Mashka gave me her approval, and my willful sister Nastya let me be. Unlike my dearest younger sisters, Tatya and Olya did not give any sympathy or support. I knew that my relatives would not support me either. Perhaps Cousin Mitya from the Pavlovich branch would, but I was not sure of that.

Papa had not yet received the news. He would most likely be disappointed in me. The thought of making my Papa feel disappointment in me made me feel guilty. Have I been too selfish in my recent years? Perhaps I was. Although I felt some regret over my earlier actions, I knew it was too late to turn back. I was at the mercy of the judgement of my parents.

I had nothing to do in the cabin except to think. I could only think of that same moment when I kissed Pasha. It was a wonderful thing, yet it was also a dreadful thing. I had cut myself off from most of my family with that one deed. I felt horrible. Now Pasha would likely face a discharge from the service that he had worked hard to achieve. I had a chance of being separated from my dear sisters and parents. The temptation of crying was strong, but I could not find it in myself to shed a single tear. I was still a Grand Duchess, and I will compose myself like one just for this time.

After what felt like an hour, I heard voices outside my cabin door. I heard Papa speak with Mama for a few minutes. It sounded like they were arguing. The argument was only a few minutes, but those were the longest minutes I had waited though in my life! As the door opened, I felt my heart beat faster. It was not from infatuation, but fear.

"Katya, we need to talk," Papa said, giving me an intense stare.

“Yes, Papa,” I murmured.

He led me out of the cabin where two guards stood beside Pasha, who gave me a resigned look. I saw Mama and my twin sister. I was worried that my twin sister would interfere. Was I not the only one feeling regret?

We walked to the Study Room that Papa often used. He told the guards and Pasha to wait outside the door and keep watch. They responded with a quick “Yes, Your Majesty”. As Papa entered the room, I came face to face with Mama and Olya waiting on the small sofa beside the study desk. Mama gave me a frown. My sister refused to look at me. I thought it was too late for apologies. It hurt me to see that Olya, who had tried to comfort me after my incident with Rasputin, now stood against me.

My Papa sat in his desk chair, swiveling the seat around so that he faced me. He cleared his throat.

“Katya… I have heard that you and Mister Voronov have engaged in intimate acts yesterday. Is that true?” he asked.

“Yes, but-”

“Regardless of your excuses, you still did so. Although I cannot approve of Mister Voronov marrying or courting any of my daughters in the first place, I am still disappointed in you, Katya. You should have kept in mind that you are a Grand Duchess of Russia,  _ not _ a commoner girl. Now, I have another question. Were the acts done by will, or did he force himself on you?”

“It was by our will, Papa… I was distressed by a certain unspeakable experience before the voyage, and Pasha was there for me. He wanted to comfort me, so I let him kiss me,” I replied in a weak voice, almost inaudible.

“Can you please tell us about your unspeakable experience?”

Images of Rasputin touching and molesting my vulnerable nakedness invaded my mind. They were repulsive and painful to even recall. I shake my head, feeling tears fall down my cheeks again. I choked back a sob. Papa frowned while he gave me a napkin to wipe my face. I wiped my eyes over and over again until the tears ceased to flow. I still could not bring myself to give testimony about what Rasputin had done.

“Please, Katya, tell us. We want to know what is going on,” Papa said.

“Rasputin… he- he said he would find the meaning of my dreams- but he touched me inappropriately.”

“Olga, is that true?”

Olga looked at me with a gaze of ice. She kept silent for a moment, perhaps thinking about whether to help me or not. Yet that was not to be. The next word she uttered sent a cold feeling into me.

“ _ Nyet _ , Papa. I entered her bedroom, but Rasputin was nowhere to be found. She is  _ lying _ .”

“Father Grigori has been nothing but kind to us, he would never do such a sinful deed!” Mama added.

“ _ Nyet! _ Olya, how could you? You said that you understood, that you would help me! How could you leave me?”

“With complete certainty, I do not know what she is referring to. She has lied against Father Grigori and compromised her chastity,” Olya said.

Papa held up his hand, “I do not know who to believe… but I do know that Father Grigori is a good man despite the rumors many have spread about him. Katya, I told you as a little girl to never bear false witness, especially against your family.”

I looked from Papa to Mama and Olya, and I shut my eyes, shaking my head. No, no, no, no!

“I have decided with your mother that if the worse has happened, you are to be sent away for five years with your grandmother. She will teach you the proper ways of a Grand Duchess, something that we have postponed for far too long.”

Before Papa finished his sentence, I was crying harder than I had before. I pleaded with Papa, my kind Papa, to not let me go. He looked at me with a sad look, lowering his head. Mama glared at me before leading Olya out of the study room. 

“Katya, as the Tsar and your father, I  _ must _ keep and enforce standards for our family. I cannot let you continue to walk this path, it must stop. It breaks my heart- but it is for your own good.”

“May I leave?”

“Yes, you may. Try not to get lost, I will send Mister Voronov with you for the time being.”

Papa went outside the study, asking Pasha to accompany me back to the cabin. He said yes, and my heart lifted ever so slightly. At least I still had Pasha to support me. I got up from the sofa and left the study room. I looked at Pasha, who gave me a cool expression, not speaking a word. My heart sank.

“Come with me, Your Highness,” he said.

Without a word, I followed him to the cabin where my sisters and I slept. Everytime we passed the officers, they looked at us with accusing stares, as if we had committed a cardinal sin. I tried to ignore the unwanted attention we received, but I could not relieve my guilt. We went below deck, and we arrived at the cabin. As I entered the cabin, Pasha spoke.

“I am sorry, Katya, but I now realize that kissing you was going too far. My family will shun me for this scandal, and I will be ostracized from Russia. My career will be lost.”

“You will not be lost, as long as you have me,” I said, attempting to reassure him.

Pasha made a grimace on his face. “Do you not understand, Ekaterina? My life that I have known is over! If I am released from my duties, what shall I do? What will you do once you are no longer a Grand Duchess?”

I tried to make a retort, but I could not think of an argument. Pasha was right. We had foolishly thrown away our standards and possibly our livelihoods. Pasha would face a discharge from the Russian Royal Navy. However, I did not think that I would lose my status as a Grand Duchess of Russia, but losing Pasha would hurt me far more.

“I am sorry, Your Highness, but I must go,” Pasha said, and he placed his sailor hat back onto his well-shaved hair while walking away.

I wanted to scream,  _ please, do not leave me! _ I kept silent instead, watching my love walk away from me without looking back.

We arrived in Livadia not long after my talk with Papa. I was on the front deck along with the Little Pair, looking at the mainland. The sky was a clear, cloudless blue, the waves were gentle in force, and the wind was only a breeze. If not for my troubles with Mama, Papa, and my older sisters, I would have considered that day as perfect. At least Mashka and Nastya had their sympathies for me. The thought of leaving my family pained me, yet there was a silver lining to my situation. Outside of Russia, I could have more freedom to be who I wish to be. I wondered if the imminent splitting from my family was predestined. Why would this happen? If only I had paid more attention during my catechism sessions!

“Katya, we are here! Is that not great?” Mashka said, her blue saucer eyes shining with excitement.

I sighed. “I do not know, Mashka, I got into trouble with Mama and Papa again.”

“Do not worry, the punishment could have been worse. They did not disown you or insult you. Just trust that God will help you through your troubles, just like the priests said.”

“Your support warms my heart. For that, I am thankful.”

Anastasia harrumphed. “I do not like Olya today. She told me to shut up when I tried to tell a joke to cheer her up.”

“Olya is mad with me, Nastya, because her crush loves me rather than her.”

Anastasia placed a hand on her chin, staring off into the distance. She then laughed. “Oh, you mean Mister Voronov?”

“Yes, I know he still loves me… but he is upset that he may lose his job on our yacht.”

My words silenced little shvibzik, who frowned. Maria grasped my hand with gentleness. She was the most kind and angelic of us. If she were married someday, she would make the perfect mother to her future children.

“Everything will be alright. We will meet again after your time with Grandmother Marie.”

A few minutes later, I noticed that our yacht began to slow. I watched the docks move closer and closer, and I noticed that the crowds were as large as usual. The sound of cheering and yelling reached my ears again. I took a deep breath to calm myself. At least I would be able to enjoy one more vacation with my beloved family in Livadia.

Our yacht came to a stop at the port of Yalta, which was very close to Livadia. The dock crews then connected the gangway to our yacht, and the royal guards stood at attention. Papa led us down the gangway while the staff carried our bags. The Rolls-Royce Silver Ghost for our family idled at the dock, and the driver inside nodded at us. The driver, Yuri, was a quiet and serious man. If he did speak, it was merely small talk. His blue eyes gazed at Papa while we sat in our seats.

“Your Majesty, welcome to Livadia,” Yuri spoke, and he gave a faint smile.

“ _ Spasibo _ , Mister Yuri. Take us to Livadia Palace,” Papa said.

“As you wish.”

Our car drove away from the docks, and I looked behind us. A few escort cars filled with guards and servants followed us. Some of the people in the crowds were running after us, but they soon receded into the distance. It was not long before our summer refuge could be seen. Olya and Tatya remained quiet, and I tried to ignore the scowls that my twin sister sent to me. In the rear seats, the Little Pair and Alexei were chattering about what they intended to do in Livadia. All of us would often cheer up whenever they arrived at Livadia with us, but not this time. My mother held hands with Papa in silence.

The sea breezes caressed me with the salty, humid sea air. I loved the sea very much because of the happy times on our yacht and Pasha. Now, I had lost the support of my mother and Papa, Olya, and Tatya. My love had deserted me, and I felt almost completely abandoned. Only the Little Pair and Alyosha still stayed with me.

Yuri slowed our car to turn onto the driveway of the Livadia Palace. The palace looked majestic under the Crimean sun, its white exterior shining in the sunlight. The front columns stood at attention, and the windows were open as if to beckon us to come inside. Still, the palace seemed welcoming. At least that had not changed.

“We are here. Do not forget your things,” Yuri said, stopping the engine.

Olya and Tatya looked around the peaceful grounds of our summer home. They began to converse with each other. Tatya tried to reassure Olya that she would find another love, but my twin sister still sounded angry whenever she spoke. I could not do anything to improve my bond with my twin, so I could only avoid her and ignore her remarks. It was my greatest hope that her temper would cool down over time. I was hurt by her betrayal, but I still loved her as her sister.


	7. Livadia Part 1

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Ekaterina starts her time at Livadia, and her remaining days with her family (Dmitri Pavlovich makes a brief cameo). While roaming the palace, she yearns to reconcile with her sister.

The servants led us to our bedrooms within the Livadia Palace. Walking through the narrow corridors, I was happy to see that the interior still seemed welcoming and tidy. The red carpets, the snow white walls, and the wide windows gave the palace a feeling that I could not describe with ease. The palace felt like a second home to me. There, I had spent countless summer days with my sisters and my parents, frolicking under the Crimean sun. Oh, how I wished that our family could be together in heart!

Without a word, I began to unpack my things in the bedroom. Olya and Tatya also unpacked their things, but they did not even speak to me. It felt wrong- how they gave me only silence for most of the day. If everything happened differently, I would be happily speaking with my two closer sisters. To my regrets, that would not be the case.

I took out the last of my possessions from my bag. It was a small framed picture of us, the Big Trio, together at Livadia as little girls. I looked at it for a moment, savoring the memories that came through my mind. In only seconds, I had flashes of moments long since passed. I was five, playing dolls with Olya. I was ten, talking with Olya during theological studies. My sister, a thinker at heart, expressed unorthodox opinions on the scriptures. To the surprise of our tutor, she often felt more sympathy for the elder brothers of Joseph than Joseph himself! I was sixteen, celebrating my birthday in Livadia with Olya. We danced with the officers and listened to our favorite ragtime songs. We laughed together. We sang together, even if we sounded out of tune.

I placed the picture frame on the nightstand beside my camp cot. If only my younger self knew. Would she have done anything about Rasputin? The thought of Rasputin made me angry. If not for him, we would be hated less by the people. If not for him, I would have had my family still supporting me. Oh, how Papa said that I had a way of knowing things.

“Katya, may we talk?” Tatya said, gesturing for Olya to go.

I nodded. Olya left without a word. I sat beside Tatya on the camp cot.

Tatya quietly said, “I know that you feel uneasy about what you did- but you still can learn from this trial! Although Papa and Mama may send you away, they only want you to act well, dear sister. You are a Grand Duchess of Russia, not a common girl.”

“To be honest with you, I wish I was born common. We live in a golden cage, Tatya, despite our comfortable lives and luxuries. I cannot marry for love, I cannot pursue my dream job, and so much more! And I cannot free myself from this stain, this mark on me that Rasputin has put on me!”

“I know that things have been hard for you, but you cannot simply leave us. We are your  _ family _ . Although I do not approve of what you did, I will always love you as your sister. All of us do… Olya just needs more time to cool her temper.”

I shook my head. “But- Rasputin-”

“Is actually a decent holy man sent by God. He may have rumors surrounding him, yet nothing of him even supports those rumors. Father Grigori has been more than kind to us,” Tatya said, keeping her expression calm.

“You do not understand! He… he touched me on my most private parts!” I cried.

“Katya! Do not say such things!”

“If you will not believe me… then I will go.”

Tatya said nothing as I left the room. She wanted to help me, but she refused to see who Rasputin was. I wondered if things really were as severe. Perhaps I would have to help myself. At least I could be with Nastya and Mashka again. They understood me the most, and they even comforted me.

I paced through the main hallway, which reached the south end of our palace. I wanted to relax in the Italian Courtyard of our palace, where there was a small garden with pathways leading to the center well. That particular location held many good memories for me: playing tag with my sisters, posing for photos taken by Nastya, and chatting with Pasha. Oh, Pasha… forgive me for my recklessness.

Opening the door, I peeked into the courtyard. No one was there. I sighed in relief. At least I could gather my thoughts in peace. With one last look around to ensure no one saw me, I stepped into the courtyard. I went to the well and took some fresh cold water to wash my face, since the air felt very warm. Wearing a short sleeved dress was a good choice. Thankfully, I would not be overheated under the strong Crimean sun.

I knelt down, looking at the white rose bushes. They almost reminded me of my twin sister: with beauty yet hurtful. A part of my mind wondered what cutting off a flower would represent, revolting my conscience. Why would I think about my twin sister dying, unless our future held the worst?

I shook my head. No, I would always have my family with me. That would never happen! However, poor Aloysha would likely be dead before old age. He had hemophilia where his blood would not clot as well as normal people. A deep cut or broken bone could kill him. Retreating under the shaded parts of the courtyard, I thought of praying for my family. It would bring me closer to God and comfort me.

“ _ Dearest Heavenly Father, I have much to say. Please, Lord… watch over my brother and protect him. I love little Baby very much, and I would be sad if he died too early. I trust that you can do it. I also need your help Lord, my sister is angry with me, and probably hates me. Help us forgive each other… _ ”

I prayed with all my heart, certain that He heard my prayer. All I could do was wait and let Olya be.

Sitting on the stone bench, I bid my time, enjoying the quietness and peace. I realized that my forehead was moist after a few minutes. I wiped my forehead, and I knew that the heat was terrible! I needed to go inside the palace. With a sigh, I got off the bench. I made my way through the palace to the bedroom where Cousin Mitya normally rested. Once I found the door, I opened it without any distraction, as Mitya was still en route to Livadia.

I laid down on his bed, which smelled of cologne. Of course he uses cologne just to keep appearances. It is scandalous to think about the things he does, but he is a playboy. I scoff at the thought of him. I did not know the word for a female counterpart to a playboy, but I was most certainly not one! The sound of approaching footsteps surprised me.

“Olga, where is Ekaterina?” I heard my mother say.

“I do not know, Mama… Perhaps she ran away,” my twin sister said.

“Do  _ not _ say that about your sister. Although she has made mistakes, that does not mean she is no longer a part of our family.”

The door opened. My twin sister slammed open the door, making me yelp. My mother glared at Olya, whispering a reprimand to her.

Getting off the bed, I asked, “Mother, what do you need?”

“Nothing, dear. Dmitri Pavlovich has just arrived from the train station, and your sister wanted to inform you of his arrival.”

“Oh… thank you for the reminder. I should go greet him, then.”

I walked past my sister and mother to see Cousin Mitya strolling in the hall beside Papa. With one look at me, Mitya grinned and moved his eyebrows up and down. I rolled my eyes. His charm is so superficial. Sometimes, I wondered why he was even considered a Grand Duke.

Dmitri tried to speak. “Hello, Cousin Katya. It has been a while since we have last crossed paths. Tell me, how was your trip here?”

“Mitya, it has only been two weeks since we saw each other. There is no need for dramatics,” I chided.

Papa cleared his throat, giving me a hard stare. “Sorry, Papa,” I said.

“It is fine, Ekaterina. Let your cousin be.”

Cousin Mitya passed by me, and he stopped a few steps behind me to speak. “I will see you later, Katya.”

He continued to his room, and he said something to Olya that made her giggle and playfully swat his shoulder. In that instant, I felt somewhat jealous of Mitya. He may have been a playboy, but he was more likeable than I. Beloved by my parents like a foster son and liked by all my siblings, he had a near perfect family life with us.

I turned away, no longer wanting to bother with my cousin. Of course I still care about him, even if he is nothing but a flirtatious womanizer. I made my way to the bedroom where Alyosha slept. Once I reached the door, I knocked on it. Alyosha opened the door, smiling.

My brother jumped up and down with enthusiasm. “Katya! Want to play checkers?”

“Uhh-”

“ _ Pleeease? _ ” my younger brother begged, giving me a pout.

My heart melted at the sight of his little blue eyes looking up at me. I sighed.

“Alright, until dinner is ready.”

“Yay! You are the best sister ever! The others said they are too busy to play with me now.”

I knelt down, giving my isolated brother a hug. I knew he needed one like I did. As he hugged me back, I felt closer to my brother. He could never play rough and do horseplay like other boys his age, so he did not have very much friends. We at least had one thing in common: we were alone. It almost made me cry that Olya had never said that she considered me as a great sister. I just wanted Olya to appreciate our time together and our sisterhood. Someday, all of us could get married and move away from each other, but we would always be EOTMAA.

We let go of each other, and I got the checkerboard from his toy shelf. I set up the game board and all the board pieces. I chose red, while Alyosha chose black. I then decided to teach Alyosha the tricks and strategies of checkers. To my surprise, he learned some of the tricks within an hour. Another hour passed. 

Alyosha captured my last piece during a game, making his second win out of five games.

“I win!”

“You still need  _ one  _ more win before we get a tie.”

“One more game, big sister.”

The game was more intense than the last few, as we captured lots of pieces from each other. Yet in the end, I won with only a few of my pieces left. Aloysha gave me a pout, and I gave him a pat on the head.

“You did good for your first few games of checkers, Alyosha. I really enjoyed the games. I am sure that we can play games together while I am still here.”

My brother looked confused, staying silent for a moment. “You are leaving?”

“Yes, Alyosha. Papa and Mama are a little upset with me because I did something that good ladies do not do,” I said, giving my brother a sad look.

“What did you do?”

“I… I kissed Pasha while we were going here.”

Alyosha laughed. “What is so bad about that?” he said after he finished laughing.

“Mama says that it is something that only married people should do.”

“Oh. Does it have to do something with making babies?”

I blushed, thinking of what to tell my brother without sounding improper. Alyosha had a quick mind. He had almost discovered the idea of sex, but he was too young to know that. I took a deep breath. I could not lie to him.

“Uh… sometimes. It is something that people do when they are in love. But you are too young to know about making babies. Papa did not tell me until I was fourteen.”

“Okay, I will not talk about that.”

I sighed in relief, and I stood up and looked around the room. Lookin out of the window, I could see that the sun was lower. Checking the clock in his room, I realized it was nearly dinnertime!

“I think dinner is almost ready, Baby. You can follow me if you want to.”

As I went to the dining room, my brother followed me. With all of my heart, I hoped that dinnertime would pass without incident…

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I read somewhere, perhaps the alexanderpalace.org website, that Dmitri Pavlovich actually flirted with the OTMA sisters. He is more of a womanizer or a playboy in more modern words. I have been interested in his life since I read about it, as he was one of the few Romanov relatives to survive the revolution. Honestly, it was fun writing Ekaterina and Dmitri's interactions!


	8. Dismissal

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Ekaterina receives dire news during her stay at Livadia. White Flower Day arrives, and the Grand Duchess attempts to distract herself with charity work.

_ August 26, 1913 _

We planned to visit the locals in Livadia for charity work on the twenty-second of August, but it was too hot that day. White Flower Day arrived, and our home became a place of great commotion. Perhaps hours before my sisters and I had gotten out of bed, our parents had risen, dressed, and prepared themselves. The palace staff had risen and done the preparations for our charity event, and we could already hear their footsteps and chattering from within our rooms.

I had been changing out of my nightgown when the door slightly opened. I looked at who opened the door. It was my mother. She smiled.

“Good morning and happy White Flower Day, my lovelies… get yourselves dressed as quickly as possible. After breakfast, all of us will go to Livadia for the event.”

“Yes, Mama,” Olya and Tatya said, but I did not utter a word.

My mother frowned at me, but she did not say anything to me. Olya gave me a disapproving look, and I turned away. Tatya also disagreed with my recent treatment of my mother, but she at least did not treat me as my twin sister did.

My mother closed the door, and I was met with accusing looks from my sisters, with their eyes squinted at me and their mouths set in a frown. I continued to dress into the plain white dress I would wear for White Flower Day. I did not want to bother my two closest sisters. Instead, they bothered me, but their intentions were good. I knew that all of them except Olya wanted to help me continue through my life after Pasha was torn from me.

I wondered where Pasha was. Was my dashing officer still present at the palace grounds? Did Papa discharge him? A yearning to ask Papa the question filled my being. I wanted to know what happened to Pasha, ever since I last saw him on the twenty-second. Did my sisters know?

I looked in the mirror, and I could see no wrinkles on my dress. At least I would not need to bother with such trivial things. My question still needed to be answered. I took a deep breath, and I went to Tatya, who was looking in the mirror and pinching her cheeks. We never used rouge to redden our cheeks, as the current trend of our youthful fashions was to preserve our natural beauty.

“Tatya? Where- where did Mister Voronov go?”

Tatya sighed, and she faced me with her gray eyes dim with regret. “Katya… forgive me for not telling you sooner. Papa privately dismissed him last evening. He also told me that at least Mister Voronov had a parting sum of rubles to pay for his personal needs. I am very sorry.”

Tears welled up in my eyes. I wiped them away with one of my sleeves. Within mere seconds, I tossed myself onto the bed, rolling over to bury my face in my pillow to sob. The pain was unbearable. No wonder why my parents never told me of that feeling. It ached unlike anything else I had felt before. I threw a tantrum, kicking my legs into the mattress and pounding my fists into the pillow.

_ Pasha. Gone. Forever. _

The thought itself was unbearable, and I muttered to myself, “No, that cannot be true.”

I did not know the exact time I had stopped sobbing, but Olya and Tatya were nowhere to be seen. I sniffled, and I looked around my room for something to distract me from the pain. The bookshelf caught my attention, and I knelt down to pluck a book from its place. Leo Tolstoy was my favorite Russian author, but I refused to admit that. Papa disliked him since he was excommunicated from the Russian Orthodox Church. I would not want to worsen my standing with Papa over reading works by an anarchist author. Just as I had opened the book, I heard the doorknob turn. I closed the book and buried it underneath my pillow. Hopefully, Tatya would not notice that.

Only Tatya was present, and she had brought her meal and a plate of my favorite  _ blini _ with jelly filling.

“Please, Katya… you must eat. It hurts me to see you like this.”

I forced a smile. I did not want to bother Tatya with my troubles any further. She acted with love, piety, and patience- I could say she resembled Christ in that manner. At that moment, I felt terrible in comparison. Tatya always managed to stay on the good side of our parents, yet here was I, soon to be outcast from the family. I admit that I was selfish in that one moment with Pasha, but I could not fathom letting him go…

My sister handed me a napkin and I blew my nose into it. “Th- thank you… are we late?”

“Not at all. Mama allowed me to get your meal for you.”

Her words comforted me. I tossed the napkin into the trash. I took the plate from my sister, and we moved ourselves to the small table within our bedroom. While sitting there, we ate breakfast without a word. I needed time to compose myself after what had happened.

I drank from the glass of water I had left on the nightstand last night. Only then did I realize how thirsty I was, and I finished the glass in a minute.

I had already forgotten, but either Papa or my mother told me that I would be sent to Denmark to live with Grandmama. Out of all of the siblings, I was the strange one. I recalled that Grandmama would look with pity at me whenever I was left alone. Perhaps she felt that way for me since she once had been lost. She had been born a Danish princess, but she had moved to Russia: an entirely foreign country to her.

Once our plates were cleared, we returned them to the White Hall. To our surprise, some of the staff and some of our family had not yet finished their meals. Nastya still had not finished her plate. My youngest sister attempted to stab a grape with a fork with little success. Whenever she failed, she made a growling sound. I resisted the urge to giggle.

“Nastya, you cannot eat grapes with a fork,” Olya chided, rolling her eyes.

Mashka soon began to imitate my youngest sister. She also began to attempt to impale a grape on her fork. Only after a few times did she succeed.

“I got a grape first!” Mashka said.

Poor Nastya tried even harder, but with no success.

“You should not play with your food, dear,” my mother said, smiling at my youngest sister.

“Yes, Mama!” Nastya said, crossing her fingers behind her back.

  
I could not help but smile, even for a brief second. My parents, who had finished their meal, unseated themselves before walking to me and Tatya. Papa patted my head to reassure me, but I still felt upset with him. Again, I wondered why Papa and my mother did not understand that I would be happiest with Pasha.

“It will be alright, Katya. You will get over him, perhaps you will find another Danish prince to love,” Papa said, attempting a joke.

“I doubt so, Papa,” I said in a near whisper.

Papa did not reply, instead staring at the wall with a pensive look. My mother gave me a sad look. Did she really feel pity for me because of my feelings for someone who I could not be with for some reason? I recalled that Papa could not be with my mother for sometime over a matter of faith differences, but they at least got together.

To think that my mother felt pity for me was tempting. I would not admit it aloud, but I wanted to find reconciliation with my mother. The rift between my parents and I hurt. Papa was disappointed in me, and my mother was upset with me.

My Papa said to Tatya, “Wait with Ekaterina outside the White Hall, we will join you two soon.”

Tatya nodded, then leading me outside of the room. We waited there for some time until my parents and the rest of my siblings left that room. It was time to help those with tuberculosis by selling our bouquets of white flowers.

Each of us had dressed well for the occasion. Papa was dressed in his military uniform with all of his medals shining in their glory. My mother was dressed in a simple white dress and a large sunhat. The rest of us except for Alexei, who was dressed in his own uniform, wore similar white dresses.

“How do we look, Mama?” Maria said, twirling herself around in her dress.

“Wonderful, my lovelies. All of you do,” my mother said.

My mother looked at me. “You as well.”

I could not help smiling, even if for a brief moment. The guards finished their meals and refreshments soon afterward, and they accompanied us as we left our palace. I gasped when I saw the crowds near our palace. There were more people than in our last visit to Livadia. The guards had at least formed a buffer between them and the Livadia Palace grounds.

Our staff carried the bouquets of white flowers behind us. Some of the guards carried money boxes with slots for people to drop money in. Thankfully, none of us would have to stand up for the whole time, as there were three booths already set up.

I approached the third booth: the one on the right. The rays of the Crimean sun could not sunburn me under the shade of the booth canopy. I still felt little motivation to even help my family with the White Flower Day charity. My life would not be the same without that dashing officer I met on our yacht. I could hardly bend my mouth in a smile. My twin sister and Tatya then joined me just a moment later. Good. At least I would not be alone. I hoped that I would meet Pasha once again someday.

Behind us, the staff stocked the booths with scores of flower bouquets. There were so many flowers that the servants had to go in and out of the palace multiple times! We could spend until late afternoon selling the white flowers for charity.

  
Olya remained silent. I did not want to bother her, so I kept quiet as well. We three, The Big Trio, stayed at our booth as the people lined up. All I had to do was greet and converse with the flower buyers. Olya and Tatya sold the flowers. At least we would help those unfortunate enough to catch tuberculosis.

“Your Imperial Highness,” an old woman said, handing Olya a few rubles.

“ _ Spasibo _ , your donation is very appreciated,” my twin sister replied.

The old woman walked off with a wide grin on her face while holding her flowers. For some reason, I felt happy that I could still help my sisters make a good difference in this broken world.

A family of a couple and three young children came next. I greeted them, but I could not distract myself from thinking about my love again. The three children reminded me of my plans of starting a family with my love someday. Children are so naive, yet so innocent… untouched by the darkness. To me, having a girl with my blue eyes and Pasha’s dark brown hair would be one of the best gifts I could ever receive.

“You look sad, Your Highness,” the blonde girl said, looking up at me.

“I am not sad… I am only thinking of my future.”   


“What will my future be?”

“Only God knows... all that matters is that you make yourself a good person,” I said, crossing myself.

The girl, seeming satisfied with my answer, smiled. At that moment, I felt happy that I was looked up to by my fellow Russians. At least the people would adore me even if not all my relatives did. Nevertheless, s elling the flowers took hours! By the time we were finished, I felt very tired. My arms felt weary from holding and giving flowers countless times. Olya and Tatya had gotten tired, so I took their roles of handing out the flowers.

“We have finished our work at last,” Tatya said before yawning.

I stretched my arms, and I shook my right leg that had gone sore. “Yes, I almost cannot wait to return inside and take a nap,” I said.

My parents, along with a very tired Mashka and Nastya, came to us three. Alyosha still seemed awake since he still had the energy to run to us. I knelt down to hug Alyosha. He was a child, just like the three children that I had greeted some time earlier. They were all innocent out of ignorance. A saddening thought entered my head. The innocent and carefree days of being a child were so short. We often think of growing up when we are mere children, yet we come to miss our childhoods once we do grow up.

I missed my early years as well. I missed being able to talk with Mama and sit on her lap, as she told me stories of my Papa going on trips with his father. I missed being on good terms with Papa and Mama. Alexander the Third, my grandfather, had died a year before Olya and I were born. He would not have approved of my lack of discipline, and for good reason. He would have certainly approved of my independent nature.

The day went on, and the world kept turning. Could I move on? I did not know how. At least I would enjoy my last few weeks with my family in Livadia and on the return voyage.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Ekaterina already feels some regret over her actions, but it will take something greater for her to take action. After all, she inherited her father's stubbornness. Does the historical information integrate smoothly into the story or not? Do I need more research? Let me know!
> 
> Other note: Leo Tolstoy remained Christian even after his excommunication, but he still supported and even advocated for some variant of anarchism. He would constantly criticize the organized churches and the aristocracy as corrupt. He also opposed violent conflicts such as the European suppression of the Boxers in China during 1901. The brief mention of his political background is referred to in Ekaterina's narration.


	9. Leaving Home

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Grand Duchess Ekaterina finally leaves for England with her grandmother, Marie Feodorovna.

_ September 2, 1913 _

“Rise and shine, my dears. Do not waste time, we will be leaving Livadia, so prepare your things,” Mother said.

She left the room soon afterward.

It was my very last day at Livadia. That realization, as I changed my clothing in my bedroom, saddened me. This would be the last time that I would enjoy vacations with my family for a long time. Perhaps it would be years before I could return to my family. At that time, I did not know when I would.

I glanced at Olya, who was still silent. She still seemed angry or perhaps sad. I caught a glimpse of her face despite her trying not to look at me. Did I see a frown? I still felt terrible for breaking my sister’s heart. I sighed. Before I could think any further, my younger sister Tatya spoke to me.

“Katya, may I fix your hair?” Tatya asked me, looking at my reflection in the mirror.

“Yes, Tatya. Thank you very much.”

I sat in a chair in front of a mirror while Tatya searched for a comb and hairbrush. Within a moment, she put my hair up in a styled bun similar to what my twin sister had. Looking in the mirror, I smiled, feeling pleased with the excellent work of my sister.

“There, how does it look?” Tatya said, giving me a cheerful smile.

“I like it very much. It has a style to it that looks attractive, yet stands out from the rest of us.”

“I am glad that you like the hairstyle.”

“You are so kind to me, Tatya. I feel as if I do not deserve it, having done a great wrong.”

“Do not say that. Even if you behave improperly, that would  _ never  _ end our sisterhood. I understand that Olya may still be upset, but you must give her some time. She will forgive you eventually.”

All three of us began to dress into our daytime dresses. We put on our sun hats before packing our things. We folded our camp beds before the servants came to carry them. Even though we could usually carry them, we had to somehow hold our travel cases as well. To carry both of them would be too much to bear for us. Yet, we already had much to bear, thanks to the incident on our yacht.

Tatya was right about Olya. My twin sister was a very compassionate and intelligent person at heart, but she had a terrible temper. It usually took her a long time to forgive people including myself, her twin sister. I could not remember the last time I had made her upset to the point of refusing to talk with me. At least my misdoing would only be a one time deed. The thought of hurting Olya multiple times was terrible. It was never my intention to disappoint God or my family! Regardless, I had managed to do something terrible, even if I could not help loving Pasha. I had forgotten that Grand Duchesses of my standing never act this way, and I had paid the price.

I have sinned against my God, my parents, and my twin sister. At that moment, I also knew that I had cost Pasha his occupation as an officer on the  _ Standart _ . I have felt guilt before but everything came together into a bigger picture. I finally saw the extent of the effects of my actions. My eyes watered, and I turned away to wipe my tears. I felt horrible.

If only I was born common- no, I knew that I should be thankful for being born in such comforts. Even if I took cold showers and slept in camp cots, I still lived far better than those hapless peasants and workers. I kept that in mind while I packed the last of my things.

Olya had finished packing her things as well. Tatya gave me a brief hug before going to her sister to chat with her. The servants came inside the room not long after to carry our camp beds for us. I thanked them, and their face lit up in a smile at my kind words.

“We must go, Katya. There will be breakfast on the  _ Standart _ ,” Tatya said after finishing her conversation.

“Why not here?” I asked.

“I think it would be more convenient for the palace staff to have to clean less.”

We went outside the front entrance of our summer home one last time, and I looked behind myself for a moment. I tried my best to ingrain the sight of our family summer home into my memory. I would remember the beautiful white facade, the tall and majestic columns, and the wide windows. I would remember the Italian Courtyard with its high columns as the place where we would relax under shade.

“Katya, we need to go… we already have pictures of Livadia,” Tatya said.

“Yes, sister, I will come along with you,” I said.

We took our seats in the car, and the driver almost in an instant began to drive us away. I glanced back at the Livadia Palace, and a sad feeling washed over me. My old life was beginning to fade away.

The car drove on, and I looked around at the passing scenery of the Crimea. The trees and hills gently sloping to the sea made a beautiful view of blue and green hues. I would certainly miss this very special place. I would miss Pasha as well.

Pasha. The name still brought joy to my heart upon thinking about it. I hoped that he was still safe somewhere in Russia. I may not be able to see him now, but I yearned to see him again. Perhaps he would take note of my whereabouts in the newspapers and come to me? No, I might have upset him. The thought only made me sadder. I never meant to end his time on the  _ Standart _ .

Tatya and Olya began to talk in French, a language that I had spent less effort learning than Russian or English. I could still catch some words, coming to the realization that they were talking about me. I ignored them.

Eventually, Tatya noticed that I was looking away. “Katya, we were not saying anything bad about you. We were talking about how you were the winner of the snowball fight during last Christmas.”

“Do not worry, Tatya… Olya,” I said.

My two closest sisters briefly smiled. I felt a little happier that I had made Olya smile. It had been a long time since I had seen her do so, even if only for a short time.

The cars for us and our loyal servants soon stopped at the docks, and we got out of them. We waved goodbye to the crowd of locals as usual while ascending the gangway onto the Standart again. It would be another week before we arrived back home, but this time I would be without Pasha. I could not speak anymore about my situation that time. There was no use of further defying my parents and the rules I had grown up with since I was a little girl.

* * *

Throughout the trip, I kept to myself. What else could I do except watch my old life fade away? No more Pasha. No more frolicking with my sisters and little brother in Livadia. No more talking with my parents. All of those would be my reality until I had “learned to act my station”.

I was scared when arriving home to the Alexander Palace upon realizing that Rasputin had stayed behind. Thankfully, I would be separated from Rasputin and his manipulative and perverted ways. The thought of his hands on my body gave me shivers, but he never touched me again. If not for Rasputin, I would have still been on good terms with Mama. If not for him, my family would be more respected. He is no holy man, I thought, feeling disappointed that my parents had placed their faith in the wrong person.

My beautiful Russia has been led astray by a false mystic. We are like the Church of Thyatira in Revelation, the ancient church led down the wrong path by a false teacher. Since my parents would not reject that mystic, I had a terrible feeling that something bad would happen to Russia. Perhaps Holy Russia would be no more within a dozen years.

I tried not to think about that. As I sat in the bedroom that I shared with Olya and Tatya, I could not think of anything to do except wait for the arrival of Grandmama. I would normally feel excited at seeing Grandmama again, but I had been caught with Pasha. I had broken my conduct in a scandalous way. Thankfully, Papa and the Rear-Admiral had told all officers to remain silent about what happened, or else they would lose their job in the Imperial Navy. What would Grandmama think?

I did not have to wait long. Papa entered the room along with Grandmama. Poor Grandmama did not look so well, as she wore a frown on her face. Her brown eyes settled on me with a brief look before looking at the floor. Her hair seemed grayer as well. Her disappointment was like a heavy weight in the air, and the realization that I caused it hurt very much. My eyes had the warm feeling one feels before crying, but the tears never fell. I could not look at Grandmama any longer. The shame came back while the memories invaded my mind once more.

“I have talked with your grandmother, Katya, and she is disappointed in you...”

I placed my hands behind my back, feeling more shame.

“But, she understands that you love Mister Voronov. I have thought of the situation as well. I now understand you, although you are not supposed to court anyone below our station. Relationships with a commoner are forbidden, but Mister Voronov is of nobility… the House of Voronov. Of course, your mother does not agree with the possibility of a relationship between you and Mister Voronov, as she wanted you to be arranged with Prince Carol of Romania.”

“Papa, you would never let me marry that pig,” I said.

Papa laughed. “Of course. He is handsome, but still a pig.”

I smiled for a brief moment. “So you will not send me away?”

Papa sighed. “I am sorry, but your grandmother still needs to teach you how to behave. You will be sent away for around three years, or until your grandmother is satisfied. ”

“Will you, Mama, and the rest of my siblings write letters to me?” I asked.

“Yes.”

I had one question remaining. Where would I go. Would it be Denmark or our ally Great Britain?

“One last question, where will Grandmama and I go?”

“I have secretly written to the kings of Denmark and Great Britain, who are related to us. Whoever replies will make their nation an option. I still am not sure.”

“Thank you, Papa, for explaining everything.”

“You are welcome, my little  _ ogon _ ,” he said, hugging me.

I still felt upset with Mama, but I certainly wanted to mend our broken bond. I hugged Papa back, hoping that someday Mama would do the same to me.

* * *

_ September 19, 1913 _

Over two weeks passed, and our Danish and British relatives responded to Papa’s delight. Mama talked with Papa, and they both agreed that I would go to Great Britain. Before I left the Alexander Palace, I said goodbye to my sisters. I also had to say goodbye even to Cousin Mitya, even if he was annoying and overly flirtatious.

“See you later, lover girl,” Dmitri teased.

I whispered in his ear, “Yes I will, lover boy. And do not forget to use rubbers.”

Dmitri blushed in embarrassment. Sadly, that would be the last time I would tease him. I looked away from him to see the rest of my family coming down the Left Wing Hall to me. Olya, Tatya, Mashka, and Nastya all ran to me. They hugged me tight, crying and weeping very loudly. I shed a few tears along with them. We would be  _ EOTMA _ , no matter what. Still, the separation hurt more than even the hardest slap to the face.

My little brother also sobbed. I bent down to hug him as soon as my three other sisters let me go.

“I will miss you too, Alyosha,” I said as quietly as I could.

“But why do you have to go? Who will play with me when my other three sisters are busy?” Alyosha said.

“It is something that I will tell you later, little brother. While I am gone, I am sure that they will have some time to play games with you,” I said, gently cupping his small cheeks to wipe his tears.

“Goodbye, Katya. Please do not forget to write to us,” he said, before briefly hugging me back.

I looked up at my parents, who had arrived moments after my siblings did. My eyes were still watering, so I wiped them on my dress sleeve.

“My daughter. I am sorry that things have gone astray… but in time you will appreciate my decision for your own good,” Mama said, her blue eyes tearing up.

“I am sorry too… but I still love Mister Voronov.”

She did not reply to that, but she hugged me. That one last minute felt like forever. I hardly saw Mama cry, but that time she did. She sobbed into my arm.

Papa then took Grandmama and I outside, where a few cars waited. I got into the seat of Papa’s 1908 Rolls Royce one last time, and I looked back at our home until it was too distant to see. I would never forget those yellow walls and those pristine white columns. My still crying siblings and mother waved goodbye to me. Papa would accompany me to the  _ Standart _ , where my Grandmama and I would stay for a few days enroute to England. By the time we reached the docks, I noticed that there was nobody near the docks. Only a few dozen officers and guards formed patrols around the dock. My Papa had been smart enough to place a curfew for that night. I stepped out of the car with my travel case. Papa hugged me after that.

“Be good to your Grandmama for us,” Papa softly spoke, his eyes watering.

“I will, Papa. I promise.”

Papa patted me on the shoulders, and he left me alongside Grandmama for his car. I had never seen Papa walk with his head lowered until that moment. I thought I heard a sniffle from him, and I felt another wave of guilt wash over me. I felt terrible. Poor Papa and Mama, taking the heaviest burden of my deed.

“Come, Katya,” my Grandmama said, gesturing for me to follow her.

“Yes, Grandmama,” I replied, stepping onto the gangway…

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> It's about time for things to somewhat cool off between Ekaterina and her parents. Even Olga would be very sad to see her twin sister leave, despite her temper. I read somewhere that Nicholas Ii actually owned luxury cars, so I tried to reference that. In his Livadia Palace garage, he actually had a 1908 Rolls Royce car! I assumed that he owned another Rolls Royce in his actual home, the Alexander Palace.
> 
> Do not worry, we will see more of Pavel and Ekaterina soon!
> 
> As a final note, this may be the last update for a few weeks, as I have some projects and exams coming up in my courses. I promise that an update will come to my works here, but I cannot say when.


	10. Buckingham Palace

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Ekaterina arrives at Great Britain, and she is taken to Buckingham Palace to live with her British relatives. But a nightmare plagues her mind, and she can only wonder what it means...

_ September 6, 1913 _

The  _ Standart _ , the yacht for my family, finally arrived in London. After Grandmama and I left the yacht, we were met by George V of England and Queen Mary. They then escorted us to their vehicle, and we were taken amidst large crowds and photographers eager to see Grandmama and I. I still did not recall the exact details of the trip to The Buckingham Palace, as it was only a passing moment for me. It was all a blur of sights and sounds that I experienced in another, unfamiliar country far from my home. My mind could not come to fully realize the new life I had… until I stepped into a mere guest bedroom in the palace.

And just as so, the illusion that I was still a Russian Grand Duchess faded away. Now, I am an exile from my beloved homeland and my family. Those thoughts, along with my recollection of that bad parting from Pasha, made me much sadder. My eyes watered with unshed tears, but I refused to let them fall. I wiped my eyes on my sleeve and looked at the window. The trees seemed so serene and resilient, bending with the wind. How I wish I could be like them rather than a brown leaf blown by the wind.

Shaking my head, I placed my travel case down beside the well-made bed. I allowed myself to fall backwards onto the soft bed, wrinkling the blanket. How had my life gone wrong? I had done nothing wrong, had I? I loved Pasha, and I did not cease to feel so. I did not like Rasputin, as I knew that something was amiss with him. My ruminations continued for some time until my eyelids drooped and shut from my weariness. Oh, how tired I was!

_ I find myself playing tag with my sisters and Alyosha at the beach nearby Livadia Palace. Anastasia chases Alyosha, and I am impressed at how fast he could run. Near us, Mama and Papa sit under a canopy, chatting amicably. I spot them kissing, and I blush. _

_ “Ooh, Katya! Mama and Papa are kissing!” Maria exclaims, while running with me. _

_ I open my mouth to laugh, but I soon stop laughing. Maria frowns, and she looks down at her body, which is turning into dust. I look around, seeing my sisters and brother turn into dust. Soon, they are little more than piles of dust. I stop running, and I kneel down, feeling the chilling sensation of dread fill my body. _

_ “Mashka!” I scream, placing my hands into the dust, picking up a handful of it. _

_ The sky turns dark, and the sun sets below the horizon. All the stars are now red. The sky is a hue of orange red. I step around, fearful and confused at what has happened. _

_ I run towards Mama and Papa, but they are turning into dust as well. They look at me, and open their mouths to say something, but it is too late. They quickly dissipate into particles in the wind, gone forever. _

_ I look at the sky, and a giant head of a bald, bearded man with a small beard and moustache appears and cackles with glee. A gloved hand appears, holding a giant blade of cold, hard steel. It is a sickle used by the farmers in Russia. _

_ I scream again as the blade begins to come down closer and closer. _

_ “You are next!” the face growls. _

_ “Nyet! Go away!” _

_ “It is your kind that will go away… from memory and existence forever!” _

_ The giant blade descends faster and faster… until a brilliant flash of light appears, almost blinding me. An officer with brown eyes and dark brown, well-trimmed hair appears. His strong, masculine body is clad in the white uniform and blue pants of the Imperial Navy. He lifts his hands towards the falling blade, and the blade hits an invisible barrier, shattering into shards of sharp steel. Miraculously, none of them impale us. _

_ “Run, if you want to live!” the officer yells, turning towards me. _

_ It is Pasha! I run ahead of him up the path to the Livadia Palace, and I look behind me. Pasha is taken by another giant hand, yelling and reaching for me in vain. The hand suddenly squeezes, and I hear the crunching of breaking bones. The mangled body is thrown by the hand like trash. His mutilated body flies in the air into the ocean, landing with a distant splash. _

_ I scream and run into the Livadia Palace. After running through the hallways, I find myself in the Italian courtyard under the arches. My heart beats so fast that I may feel that it may explode. I begin to weep against a pillar, feeling my hot tears flowing down my cheeks. I mutter prayers for protection... _

I woke up covered with sweat and feeling very sick, and my stomach churned. Bile rose up in my throat, and I got out of bed quickly to run to the trash can. I emptied my stomach, throwing up until there was nothing left. When I finished, I whimpered and huddled into a ball. Tears flowed down my cheeks again. Oh, how terribly shocked and sad I was! Although I was not as superstitious as my other sisters or my parents, I still thought that my dreams could be omens. I thought back to my nightmare, and I shuddered at the horrid thought of losing Pasha and my family. How would I go on living without them if that happened? And how far would the revolutionaries go to attack my family?

The revolutionaries say that we royals live easy lives, but that is all nonsense. They never understood that we could not live normal lives in peace. There were many burdens associated with our name. There was the running of an entire nation, the traditions we must follow, and the threat of assassination. At least the first burden did not apply to me, as I was only a Grand Duchess. Still the traditions of arranged marriages and the extraordinarily strict Victorian standards were a pain to deal with. Grandmama may have been set up with my grandfather, Alexander III and had a wonderful marriage, but I was not her. I would rather marry for love, just as my twin sister Olga had thought. But if I lost Pasha, what could I have done? If I were born common...

I heard a knock on the door, sounding rather gentle. Perhaps it was Grandmama checking on me. I stopped huddling next to the trash can, and I went to the door to open it. Grandmama along with a palace servant peeked into my room, and she frowned.

“Are you okay, dear? I heard you coughing,” she said, sprinting with her brown eyes and frowning at me.

“Grandmama, I feel terrible… I had a nightmare. It was so terrible that it made me sick,” I whispered, and I looked down at the floor at my feet.

“My poor child,” she said, leading me back to the bed.

We both sat on the bed. To calm me, Grandmama soothed me with her gentle, warm voice, telling reassurances that I was safe. She rubbed circles on my back with her gentle hands. My weeping subsided later. The pain and distress subsided until they were replaced by the warmth and comfort from Grandmama.

“Would you tell me of your nightmare? If you are fine, tell me whatever has happened in it.”

I nodded, taking a shaky breath.

“Do not be afraid, dear, it is only a dream, not an omen.”

Comforted by her encouragement, I spoke of what had happened in my nightmare, even the terrifying scene where Pasha died from the giant hand. My grandmother frowns, and she strokes my hair as if to tell me that somehow everything will be alright.

“I know that the face was that of Lenin, who was exiled from Russia… but what does the sickle mean?” I asked.

“The sickle can be seen as the symbol of death, but you were saved from it by the one you love. I believe, dear, that it means that your love will save you from a possible revolution  _ if _ it happens.”

“But does he… die?”

“I cannot see how he would be killed by those revolutionaries. Mister Voronov is not their significant target, but we are. I believe that those communist revolutionaries would not kill him… they would want to slaughter all of us if given the chance.”

“Why do they hate us?”

“Well, Katya… I would never speak this in front of your father, but he has allowed some problems to continue in Russia. The anger of the people is slowly growing, and I hate to admit it, but it will burst someday.”

“Then what will happen?”

Grandmama remained silent, and I knew what she was thinking. I decided not to speak. No words were needed. The thought was too horrible to even think of. All I could do was rest my head on her shoulder and close my eyes. She stroked my hair without a word.

We stayed together, sitting on the bed for a while. Later, we checked the window, and the sun seemed lower in the sky. It was late at noon by the time we decided to spend time in the royal gardens. We went outside of the palace, savoring the pleasant view of a large lawn with well-trimmed tall oak trees. There, Prince Albert, later to be George VI, stood under the tallest tree, talking with his older brother, Prince Edward VIII. The younger British Prince caught sight of us with those light blue eyes. He spoke to his older brother, who stepped aside.

“H- hello… Cousin Ekaterina. It has been a while since I saw you, and  _ erm- _ your family,” Albert said, mustering a shaky smile.

The poor young man. He was blushing as if he were a young schoolboy. He greeted Grandmama not long after. 

“Hello, Albert. I could say the same,” I said.

“S- say, would you mind telling me what happened, as in how you came here?” he asked.

I sighed. “It was  _ terrible _ .”

Albert stepped back, placing his hands in his pockets. “I am sorry to hear that y- you have experienced much trouble.”

“Yes… a lot has happened to me. I kissed a naval officer on our royal yacht, and… well… my parents were not pleased. They must have feared that I was becoming indecent, so they sent me away.”

“At least it was not any worse, they could h- have punished you severely. Considering that I have not yet heard any news of your b- blunder reach the papers…”

“A blunder? No, I do not regret my love for that officer. He is a nobleman, and very kind and loyal to me, along with my family.”

“My apologies… not to be overly nosy, but what happened t- to him?”

“He… he was discharged from my country’s Imperial Navy. I have not seen him since.”

Albert looked at me with a more somber expression, and his blue eyes seemed a bit dimmer. “I am a- also sorry to hear that. I, too, would want to pursue love when I marry a c- consort to the English throne.”

I nodded, understanding what it was like to want love. At least I had someone besides Grandmama who understood me.

We spoke for some time, and when Grandmama joined the conversation, it became enjoyable. Albert seemed kind and sympathetic to my situation. Although Cousin Albert stuttered, I was not bothered by it. Poor Cousin Albert. During my family visit to England in 1908, I heard from his older brother that he was quite sensitive and shy in his childhood. Thinking of what he was like, my thoughts turned to Mama. She appeared shy to the Russian aristocracy, like Cousin Albert. A pang of homesickness emerged in my heart, and I missed Papa very much.

“Are you alright, Cousin Ekaterina?”

I muster a fake smile. “No, I am fine!”

“Good.”

But my life would unexpectedly change in 1914…

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> 1\. The British Prince Albert, later George VI, was known to have a stutter and was shy and sensitive as a child. The weird dialogue references that.
> 
> 2\. I'll leave the identity of the giant head in Ekaterina's nightmare up to interpretation. There are multiple possible answers!
> 
> WWI is coming up in the next chapter, and we will see Pavel again!


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